Every now and then...

I return to this blog. I have visited it a few times internally to see some of my own content written. It's interesting to read the things that I expressed back then. I'm sometimes embarrassed and sometimes in awe. It seems to occur about every year.

I have been nudged by my special someoneI always like to leave hidden messages in this blog, this one is for you Melove. I love you. to write and this time the seed took, so here I be. Not in a situation that demands a written outlet of emotions but instead a coming out of a shell that now is too small for me. This time however, no more shells are necessary. I've never been more balanced and in peace with myself. To be 100% with myself internally and externally has been hard. I had to distance my self from noise that I didn't know were clouding me, holding me back. So this is my random written thought of the day. Expressed in the open. Yep. Good times :)

Reaching for a word..

I feel that draw towards what's empty. I ask why?
Does it have to be like this? What is the reason?
The weight of this status marks it's importance even as ego and uncertainty creep.
Looking at the path traveled tho, I see it projecting towards hope and good intent unless I fail to see the change that will deviate and make this journey end.

This feeling is overbearing, why do I stubbornly hold on to it?...

Kiss me.

Kiss me, I need to breathe.

Kiss me, I want to live.

Kiss me, be present in dreams.

Kiss me, sail through this new sea.

Kiss me already, I wish to feel.

Kiss me...

Thought pattern tap.

<intercept transmission>

... and then, there is something that draws.

But today, I felt a pang of pain, deep in the right side of my chest.

I wish I could help it, and while I stand as requested, I do accept the sharing. 

But to caress and soothe with such a noble sensation, I keep my ground and let it be yet hope that the light finds the wind and reaches you where you may need it within...

</ intercept transmission>

Last words of the night.

Oh night whisper to me the slumber key,

For I seek tonight's peace in this, the warring state.

3 months + 1 week after ACL

Last week this day, it was a canyon. Today just skirting the mountains.

Random Frustration. Part two.

I've come to realize in this brief sigh of depression that there is benefit in chaos. For it seems random but in the least expecting moment clarity comes through briefly. It is the moment to seize it and not let go as the torrential tugs of darkness are never satisfied with my light. 

When the reprieve is finally upon me, I am left with purpose and my light will not wait. The cold atmosphere of reality fills my lungs, it infuses my blood with an expelling agent and it not only cleanses. It breaks me free of illusion. The symbiote is no more. My light even incomplete was not for it receive. Thus I part to a new horizon.  

Random frustration.

I do feel frustrated and angry. At both actors, one neglectful. The other, blind?

I just don't know sometimes, just like things I've said could have been uttered before and now they hurt. Somethings you say just upset me more.

Fucking limbo, fucking space, fucking circumstance.

This vision, you ought to know, is the same for both. Core requirements and things we need, within our reach. The longer the wait, well, the dream will be beyond reach. 

Let's see where this go.

I don't know what it is but there's something about you.

Is it your demure nature? The lack of destination? Adrift in the ocean as it were and taking the view. 

A small kindling that slowly warms and draws me in. 

I feel the hesitation when you're shy. 

I can see the inquiry in your eyes.

On each occasion that we meet, a new breakthrough has been reached.

You intrigue me so, like an unexpected book in which one takes a chance to read. A new world, a new experience. Piece by piece, a story comes together. Word by word, it begins to fill a void. 

Let it burn..

As I see it, it begins a stir in me.
Almost creeping, but not quite because I see it flowing and I don't want it to stop.
Everything else seems fine, but this fire, it's warm, and I want it.
My light wants more light, could I take it?

The cut that is still with me is not even a memory yet and it bleeds with a taste of betrayal and... fuel.
Oh but as I test the æther on the flame, it illuminates. Like a moth, I step closer.
I hold my heart and squeeze hard, as if there was nothing to hold to let it's contents flow.
Light, more light.

There's shadows around me. Shadows that hold back and show only part of what's there.
As this fire advances, the shadows die, they don't matter, they disappear. There's less pain.
Burn it, burn it all..
Just like a corrupted forest, it needs to be gone to grow again.

As I close my eyes, I see a lush field, a good place. It grows and beats with life of it's own.
In the distance, a dissonance, a distortion, like a phantom mirage but not quite.
Mmmm.. brimstone. I open my eyes and all is living red, not a lick of heat but energy that fills me.
The field is gone, as it should be. It was not meant to be.

Do not ignore the signs. I know better. Such neglect, damn, at least now I'm awake and I should have known, that such a feeble thing, goes as quickly as it comes...
and when the field is done, the ashes will feed the new seeds.
Like a phoenix, it rises, better, tougher, stronger. So they say, it's all part of the show.

On change.

I've been on a somewhat new journey in the last few weeks. Changes, evolution, movement. Things that take any person out of their comfort and it has been true for me as well. The more I cram new information and theories, bounce them to my self on my journal, I realize how much new territory is before me. Little things that I felt were common knowledge but didn't really acknowledge. So this process may take me a little further than were I'm in sync with my core but I embrace it and welcome it.

I don't believe in luck, karma or divine powers but coincidences do happen. And I had this come to me recently:

This is no divine sign, but just an interesting coincidence none the less. While the changes I'm about to embark on are definitely making me nervous, it's only the fear of change, I love the concept of evolving and everything that has happened to me and learned along the way has made me who I am now. It's not stopping until the day I die. I'm not sacrificing who I am, not changing in a way that is not me. Just evolving, leaving the things that drag me down, ideals that are not true to me and have held for far too long. Here I come.

Dating and Stuff

Based on a conversation in a Facebook thread about dating and the woes of people finding a good dating partner, I felt like writing about a few topics.

It's Not Easy
I have been told that I "could be knee-deep in poon" if I wanted to. Yet, I don't think so. Perhaps if I was a total douche bag and lied and cheated and did everything the pick-up artistry gurus say, I could have more success. It would all be a numbers game in the end and achieve that goal but I'm not interested in that. It would mean that I don't give a damn about the person I'm trying to get with and see them no more than an object. I'm more interested in finding connections and making deep friendships that perhaps I don't get to see often but when I do, it's like seeing a lost family member and it seems like no time has passed by. The truth is that if you are good looking, your chances of getting laid are better but it's not easier. Any guy is susceptible to objectification, insecurities, fears and rejections. I have my own and they do not make a short list despite of what people could guess about me. Cute privilege is a thing but it can only get you so far when you are measuring individual success and achievement of your own goals.

I'm from Mexico and culturally for men, in the dating world at least, good looks accounts for the lowest form of dating currency, then you have money next and at the highest level we have the 'verbo'. Which literally translates to 'verb' but it means the verbal capacity to woo and romance someone. In that sense, it doesn't matter if you are rich or good looking or both because a smooth, sweet talker will whisk away that girl you have set your eyes upon. Tho, much of the woo-skill can be vain, vague, metaphorical and in the long run, if it's not accompanied by substance the relationship will fizzle out. So, the best 'verbo' is the one that is deep and comes from within, that says who you are and no matter how you look at it, it still represents you since it's not shallow or trying to fit someones ear. In the US however, the culture places those three attribute in reverse, and it flips as women get older. It does seem to stem from the materialistic culturalization and marketing efforts in our media.

For me exclusively, it has not been easy. In both cultures there is a dance and almost a negotiation of terms when dating to see where things will go. In the last year, I went on plenty of dates and still found it very hard to connect and even will myself to go beyond the first date. It all seemed like a numbers game. I will not deny that perhaps women were more willing to speak to me but it had no bearing on how successful the date would be. It took me a long time to understand social cues and carry small talk to survive a not so awesome date. It took growing a thick skin to withstand rejection and face my own fears when approaching a girl.

Good looks means nothing.
This is one thing that greatly annoys me. The fucking Cute Privilege™.  This is because people assume that a good looking person is good and more trust worthy, there is science behind this. I have heard people say, "Oh but Carlos is such a good looking guy, you [must be so happy/are so lucky/did well". Fuck that, they don't know me. Shit, event that can work against me because of my looks people have assumed on a first impression that I'm a player or a privileged asshole. I'm human and I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I do appreciate when people take the time to go beyond the physical appearance and see me for who I really am. Same goes for women, the outer appearance is nothing more than that. Appearance. But each of us is such a different world that it's really hard to find someone who we are compatible with.

If you stop looking, you will find it.
This is something that has value on both sides of the coin. On one side having hope is like emotional food to be healthy and not fall to negative behaviors like cynicism, jealousy and/or loathing. It easy to say that to a single person when you have a partner because they are living proof! It must be true, but it's not. So, on the other side, the constant search can be draining in many forms and yield no results to fulfill your objectives. Just like there is no one meaning of life, no one way to do your haircut, etc, there is no sure fire way that finding a dating partner will work. Many paths lead to one place. How ever, there's is value when the lack of pressure leads to being more relaxed and receptive to others that can enable the right rendezvous. Being cynical, depressive and self-defeating only detracts and makes your search harder. I mean, if you want to have success, you have to help yourself not hinder yourself.

Dibs.
Pet peeve maximum. I have know of people have called 'dibs' on me which drops my respect for that person dramatically and decreases the chances of doing anything with that person astronomically. This is an interesting perspective because I did not know how women felt objectified until this happened to me and I wish every guy could experience what this is like so they can curve themselves from objectifying women.

Missing you

I lay and wonder,

What are you up to? What are you wearing?

What do your beautiful eyes see?

I lay and think,

I want to observe you, learn you,

And have plain but precious memories of you.

In simplicity I find your beauty,

The way you look at me, ask me a question,

You hold my hand.

I love our great defining moments, 

But I love more what makes you, you.

Tonight, I lay and miss you.

Tomorrow... I will be with you.

Un leve agradecimiento

Gracias, por ese momento que decidiste aceptarme en tu vida que me hizo sentir vivo.

Gracias, por escuchar esta alma dolida que no podía escapar.

Gracias, por el toque de tus labios que me sacaron de mi jaula, que me regresaron el sentido del gusto.

Gracias, por aceptarme como soy, quebrado y pleno, incompleto y completo, iluso y realistas, secreto y verdadero.

Gracias, por el primer 'te quiero', siempre será contestado.

Gracias, te amo.

Frases incompletas, deudas y promesas.

Siento que no llegan las palabras a mi boca,
¿Porque la voz no suelta y desahoga?
Potencial por dentro, revuelto, inquieto.
No se deja definir al no poder salir.

Frases incompletas, deudas y promesas.
Un laberinto sin salida, limbo definido.

Entre quejas y molestias, sueños incompletos,
Me recuerdas a la mala suerte con objetivos revueltos.

Quiero qué te vayas y no me acoses,

Porque el eclipse que proyectas se ve y se siente cerca.

Poco falta para que sea obseno, con gusto lo prometo,

Bien sabrás el límite de mi paciencia, es alto más no infinito,

El que busca encuentra, mi furia está cerca,

Sin aviso no hay engaño, ya no soy tu payaso.

Palabras una vez escritas, solas cobran vida,
Contigo son veneno, tu justicia sin salida.
Reclamos del pasado que en la tumba yacían,
No les das descanso, son torturas clandestinas.