Thursday, June 05, 2014

Dating and Stuff

Based on a conversation in a Facebook thread about dating and the woes of people finding a good dating partner, I felt like writing about a few topics.

It's Not Easy
I have been told that I "could be knee-deep in poon" if I wanted to. Yet, I don't think so. Perhaps if I was a total douche bag and lied and cheated and did everything the pick-up artistry gurus say, I could have more success. It would all be a numbers game in the end and achieve that goal but I'm not interested in that. It would mean that I don't give a damn about the person I'm trying to get with and see them no more than an object. I'm more interested in finding connections and making deep friendships that perhaps I don't get to see often but when I do, it's like seeing a lost family member and it seems like no time has passed by. The truth is that if you are good looking, your chances of getting laid are better but it's not easier. Any guy is susceptible to objectification, insecurities, fears and rejections. I have my own and they do not make a short list despite of what people could guess about me. Cute privilege is a thing but it can only get you so far when you are measuring individual success and achievement of your own goals.

I'm from Mexico and culturally for men, in the dating world at least, good looks accounts for the lowest form of dating currency, then you have money next and at the highest level we have the 'verbo'. Which literally translates to 'verb' but it means the verbal capacity to woo and romance someone. In that sense, it doesn't matter if you are rich or good looking or both because a smooth, sweet talker will whisk away that girl you have set your eyes upon. Tho, much of the woo-skill can be vain, vague, metaphorical and in the long run, if it's not accompanied by substance the relationship will fizzle out. So, the best 'verbo' is the one that is deep and comes from within, that says who you are and no matter how you look at it, it still represents you since it's not shallow or trying to fit someones ear. In the US however, the culture places those three attribute in reverse, and it flips as women get older. It does seem to stem from the materialistic culturalization and marketing efforts in our media.

For me exclusively, it has not been easy. In both cultures there is a dance and almost a negotiation of terms when dating to see where things will go. In the last year, I went on plenty of dates and still found it very hard to connect and even will myself to go beyond the first date. It all seemed like a numbers game. I will not deny that perhaps women were more willing to speak to me but it had no bearing on how successful the date would be. It took me a long time to understand social cues and carry small talk to survive a not so awesome date. It took growing a thick skin to withstand rejection and face my own fears when approaching a girl.

Good looks means nothing.
This is one thing that greatly annoys me. The fucking Cute Privilege™.  This is because people assume that a good looking person is good and more trust worthy, there is science behind this. I have heard people say, "Oh but Carlos is such a good looking guy, you [must be so happy/are so lucky/did well". Fuck that, they don't know me. Shit, event that can work against me because of my looks people have assumed on a first impression that I'm a player or a privileged asshole. I'm human and I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I do appreciate when people take the time to go beyond the physical appearance and see me for who I really am. Same goes for women, the outer appearance is nothing more than that. Appearance. But each of us is such a different world that it's really hard to find someone who we are compatible with.

If you stop looking, you will find it.
This is something that has value on both sides of the coin. On one side having hope is like emotional food to be healthy and not fall to negative behaviors like cynicism, jealousy and/or loathing. It easy to say that to a single person when you have a partner because they are living proof! It must be true, but it's not. So, on the other side, the constant search can be draining in many forms and yield no results to fulfill your objectives. Just like there is no one meaning of life, no one way to do your haircut, etc, there is no sure fire way that finding a dating partner will work. Many paths lead to one place. How ever, there's is value when the lack of pressure leads to being more relaxed and receptive to others that can enable the right rendezvous. Being cynical, depressive and self-defeating only detracts and makes your search harder. I mean, if you want to have success, you have to help yourself not hinder yourself.

Pet peeve maximum. I have know of people have called 'dibs' on me which drops my respect for that person dramatically and decreases the chances of doing anything with that person astronomically. This is an interesting perspective because I did not know how women felt objectified until this happened to me and I wish every guy could experience what this is like so they can curve themselves from objectifying women.

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