Let it burn..

As I see it, it begins a stir in me.
Almost creeping, but not quite because I see it flowing and I don't want it to stop.
Everything else seems fine, but this fire, it's warm, and I want it.
My light wants more light, could I take it?

The cut that is still with me is not even a memory yet and it bleeds with a taste of betrayal and... fuel.
Oh but as I test the æther on the flame, it illuminates. Like a moth, I step closer.
I hold my heart and squeeze hard, as if there was nothing to hold to let it's contents flow.
Light, more light.

There's shadows around me. Shadows that hold back and show only part of what's there.
As this fire advances, the shadows die, they don't matter, they disappear. There's less pain.
Burn it, burn it all..
Just like a corrupted forest, it needs to be gone to grow again.

As I close my eyes, I see a lush field, a good place. It grows and beats with life of it's own.
In the distance, a dissonance, a distortion, like a phantom mirage but not quite.
Mmmm.. brimstone. I open my eyes and all is living red, not a lick of heat but energy that fills me.
The field is gone, as it should be. It was not meant to be.

Do not ignore the signs. I know better. Such neglect, damn, at least now I'm awake and I should have known, that such a feeble thing, goes as quickly as it comes...
and when the field is done, the ashes will feed the new seeds.
Like a phoenix, it rises, better, tougher, stronger. So they say, it's all part of the show.

On change.

I've been on a somewhat new journey in the last few weeks. Changes, evolution, movement. Things that take any person out of their comfort and it has been true for me as well. The more I cram new information and theories, bounce them to my self on my journal, I realize how much new territory is before me. Little things that I felt were common knowledge but didn't really acknowledge. So this process may take me a little further than were I'm in sync with my core but I embrace it and welcome it.

I don't believe in luck, karma or divine powers but coincidences do happen. And I had this come to me recently:

This is no divine sign, but just an interesting coincidence none the less. While the changes I'm about to embark on are definitely making me nervous, it's only the fear of change, I love the concept of evolving and everything that has happened to me and learned along the way has made me who I am now. It's not stopping until the day I die. I'm not sacrificing who I am, not changing in a way that is not me. Just evolving, leaving the things that drag me down, ideals that are not true to me and have held for far too long. Here I come.

Dating and Stuff

Based on a conversation in a Facebook thread about dating and the woes of people finding a good dating partner, I felt like writing about a few topics.

It's Not Easy
I have been told that I "could be knee-deep in poon" if I wanted to. Yet, I don't think so. Perhaps if I was a total douche bag and lied and cheated and did everything the pick-up artistry gurus say, I could have more success. It would all be a numbers game in the end and achieve that goal but I'm not interested in that. It would mean that I don't give a damn about the person I'm trying to get with and see them no more than an object. I'm more interested in finding connections and making deep friendships that perhaps I don't get to see often but when I do, it's like seeing a lost family member and it seems like no time has passed by. The truth is that if you are good looking, your chances of getting laid are better but it's not easier. Any guy is susceptible to objectification, insecurities, fears and rejections. I have my own and they do not make a short list despite of what people could guess about me. Cute privilege is a thing but it can only get you so far when you are measuring individual success and achievement of your own goals.

I'm from Mexico and culturally for men, in the dating world at least, good looks accounts for the lowest form of dating currency, then you have money next and at the highest level we have the 'verbo'. Which literally translates to 'verb' but it means the verbal capacity to woo and romance someone. In that sense, it doesn't matter if you are rich or good looking or both because a smooth, sweet talker will whisk away that girl you have set your eyes upon. Tho, much of the woo-skill can be vain, vague, metaphorical and in the long run, if it's not accompanied by substance the relationship will fizzle out. So, the best 'verbo' is the one that is deep and comes from within, that says who you are and no matter how you look at it, it still represents you since it's not shallow or trying to fit someones ear. In the US however, the culture places those three attribute in reverse, and it flips as women get older. It does seem to stem from the materialistic culturalization and marketing efforts in our media.

For me exclusively, it has not been easy. In both cultures there is a dance and almost a negotiation of terms when dating to see where things will go. In the last year, I went on plenty of dates and still found it very hard to connect and even will myself to go beyond the first date. It all seemed like a numbers game. I will not deny that perhaps women were more willing to speak to me but it had no bearing on how successful the date would be. It took me a long time to understand social cues and carry small talk to survive a not so awesome date. It took growing a thick skin to withstand rejection and face my own fears when approaching a girl.

Good looks means nothing.
This is one thing that greatly annoys me. The fucking Cute Privilege™.  This is because people assume that a good looking person is good and more trust worthy, there is science behind this. I have heard people say, "Oh but Carlos is such a good looking guy, you [must be so happy/are so lucky/did well". Fuck that, they don't know me. Shit, event that can work against me because of my looks people have assumed on a first impression that I'm a player or a privileged asshole. I'm human and I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I do appreciate when people take the time to go beyond the physical appearance and see me for who I really am. Same goes for women, the outer appearance is nothing more than that. Appearance. But each of us is such a different world that it's really hard to find someone who we are compatible with.

If you stop looking, you will find it.
This is something that has value on both sides of the coin. On one side having hope is like emotional food to be healthy and not fall to negative behaviors like cynicism, jealousy and/or loathing. It easy to say that to a single person when you have a partner because they are living proof! It must be true, but it's not. So, on the other side, the constant search can be draining in many forms and yield no results to fulfill your objectives. Just like there is no one meaning of life, no one way to do your haircut, etc, there is no sure fire way that finding a dating partner will work. Many paths lead to one place. How ever, there's is value when the lack of pressure leads to being more relaxed and receptive to others that can enable the right rendezvous. Being cynical, depressive and self-defeating only detracts and makes your search harder. I mean, if you want to have success, you have to help yourself not hinder yourself.

Dibs.
Pet peeve maximum. I have know of people have called 'dibs' on me which drops my respect for that person dramatically and decreases the chances of doing anything with that person astronomically. This is an interesting perspective because I did not know how women felt objectified until this happened to me and I wish every guy could experience what this is like so they can curve themselves from objectifying women.

Missing you

I lay and wonder,

What are you up to? What are you wearing?

What do your beautiful eyes see?

I lay and think,

I want to observe you, learn you,

And have plain but precious memories of you.

In simplicity I find your beauty,

The way you look at me, ask me a question,

You hold my hand.

I love our great defining moments, 

But I love more what makes you, you.

Tonight, I lay and miss you.

Tomorrow... I will be with you.

Un leve agradecimiento

Gracias, por ese momento que decidiste aceptarme en tu vida que me hizo sentir vivo.

Gracias, por escuchar esta alma dolida que no podía escapar.

Gracias, por el toque de tus labios que me sacaron de mi jaula, que me regresaron el sentido del gusto.

Gracias, por aceptarme como soy, quebrado y pleno, incompleto y completo, iluso y realistas, secreto y verdadero.

Gracias, por el primer 'te quiero', siempre será contestado.

Gracias, te amo.

Frases incompletas, deudas y promesas.

Siento que no llegan las palabras a mi boca,
¿Porque la voz no suelta y desahoga?
Potencial por dentro, revuelto, inquieto.
No se deja definir al no poder salir.

Frases incompletas, deudas y promesas.
Un laberinto sin salida, limbo definido.

Entre quejas y molestias, sueños incompletos,
Me recuerdas a la mala suerte con objetivos revueltos.

Quiero qué te vayas y no me acoses,

Porque el eclipse que proyectas se ve y se siente cerca.

Poco falta para que sea obseno, con gusto lo prometo,

Bien sabrás el límite de mi paciencia, es alto más no infinito,

El que busca encuentra, mi furia está cerca,

Sin aviso no hay engaño, ya no soy tu payaso.

Palabras una vez escritas, solas cobran vida,
Contigo son veneno, tu justicia sin salida.
Reclamos del pasado que en la tumba yacían,
No les das descanso, son torturas clandestinas.

Ojitos

You know this, your eyes, yes, your eyes...
Those where I see the starts, those that have an infinite depth.
I'm afraid at times, such beauty, I don't feel lost, just in awe.
I close my vision, I can picture those eyes of yours. The colors of my galaxy.
Even as I write this without form, the thought of your eyes guides my sentiment.
I feel you from a distance, your warmth corresponded by mine.
I'm happy too, when I gaze into your eyes, and now that they are within me,
I know that I will always have that light.
And when I feel alone, when I miss you the most, I only have to look at the night sky,
for your eyes are the stars, and in the stars, I see your eyes.
Those eyes, yes, those eyes...

The life you bring.

You don't stop your comfort and sweet care,

It gives life and desire to plunge and be within you.

You must know what you do to me,

Because I can see what I do to you.

Whatever is written in the wall, is too far to see,

Whatever is spoken in the wind, has yet to pick up speed,

Whatever the water whispers, is just too still,

Whatever the next day brings, I'll be ready to make its will.

Do you miss me? I ache for you.

Do you need me? I long for you.

Do you think of me? I dream of you.

Do you see me? You are the light of my day.

Because of you, I want to live.

The unexpected save.

I sank, in the cold waters of my own uncertainty.

I knew it, it numbed, it dulled, it hurt in spikes,

Hypothermia of emotions, what a weird comfort.

I decided to reach out, well knowing no one was there,

But to my surprise something made contact.

Hesitation flooded me, but decided to hold on.

I first tugged, but receded to the other pull.

Water break! A fresh gasp of air...

Renewed, my rescuer had been gone. 

Suddenly I realized I was alone but I could see the shore.

I had saved my self all along, 

Yet still need to say thanks the for the nudge.

If it hurts, is it love?

It ebbs and flows, this love and pain,
to know that you are out there,
to sense the indifference of space,
to have to wait and ache.
Your taste and scent are still there,
I close my eyes and your silhouette does not fade,
that voice keeps echoing in my head,
the motion that caresses the ghost of your shape.

I keep reminding myself that I have to keep my self at bay,
the forces that be, I respect so I keep away.
Perhaps one day there will be a wind for my sail,
it just tears me to know that my ship might never leave dock.
That in order to have some sort of form,
to start upon a rock,
I must first let you go.

Just thinking..

My vision still seeks you,

Everything I do has a dedication,

Everywhere I go, I feel hints of you,

Places I've been to, don't measure without you.

I confess to a bittersweet tear.

I must confess to a bittersweet tear,
one that is as intense as the summer sun,
that can burn and comfort all together.
With a sensation of a light shining, clarifying,
purifying and unfiltered by a clear sky.
It carries a pain that opens my eyes,
only to see that life is before me
and for the first time in a long time,
I truly feel.

I must confess for a bittersweet tear,
I did not see my self here,
I contemplated nothing close to this flow,
a depth so quickly unfolded.
I fear this wave of feelings, the potential untapped,
and my willingness to risk.
So steady is how I thread,
at the distance that beckons the respect deserved.

I must confess with a bittersweet tear,
I've never before felt so alive,
with just the right amount of broken,
that breaks the old crust, sheds the old skin,
cleans this battered soul,
a new chapter ready to begin.

I confess.. I'm alive again.

¿Qué es lo que me haces?

A veces pienso en olvidarte,
pero no puedo entre las memorias y tu sonrisa,
cuando bajo las estrellas nos pegó la brisa.
Porque aunque no quisiera recordarte,
eres ya parte de mi vida, historia día con día,
mi alma derramada en el lienzo de tu compañía.
¿Cuándo es que llegaste a mi interior?
Me has invitado al columpio de los sueños,
tanto que me gusta, pero de repente me mareo.
Empiezas a dolerme, tan temprano y lejos,
Si así ha de ser, lo único que pido es que no me dejes caer...

Another post of loving music

Holy shit, am I on a natural/music high right now...

Despite some rather sad events happening in my life right now, I have found a huge solace in music. There have been other important ones like new and old friendships, my programming passion and some plain old good luck. Back to music tho. Through spotify I have been able to create a very decent list of songs that I like and that has enabled me to somehow focus my moods. That alone is beneficial in recognizing and isolating a feeling to better address it and not go from one to another thus ending up with no sense of order.

Powerful cords, melodic keyboards, surprising arrangements and resonating lyrics. Music. Saying that I love music falls is more like a disservice because it does not even come close. So, the genre that moves me time and time again is progressive. It's more like a meta-genre because I found out I like all kinds of progressive music, whether it's metal, power, rock, pop, electronic, etc. You name it, it it's progressive, I'm there.

So what is it about prog? It's hard to say because each genre has a different way of implementation. As a whole I think it's the fact that the songs are like a story or a movie. It seems like it has different rhythms, it ebbs and flows, it has a climax, a conclusion. It's not just a repeat of choruses and verses. A polish DJ by the name of SynSun has some really interesting tracks where the climax part is really clear, the way the song sets a mood in the start but you end up in a different place altogether by the end. Another genre, another band, A.C.T from Sweden, has a more pop rock sound but still has the elements of progressive by combining subject matter in lyrics, which sometimes seem over simplistic but it comes  with a complex melody. This is great because it totally breaks some implicit rule that the lyrics have to be poetic or metaphorical to make it 'good'. Over in England we have Frost*, which is classified as a 'Neo-progressive Supergroup'. Which is like a dream team of sorts, accomplished professionals that their sum is greater than whole, but to me is emergence through music. Whoa..

Those are just my latest musical affairs. And to close this post, a thought I had in this night where my right brain decided to emerge at its fullest: Everyone should have an affair with music.. If you don't have one, you should. There is music for everyone, of all tastes and styles.

A runner's mentality

A runner doesn't run away, a runner runs ahead.