3 months + 1 week after ACL

Last week this day, it was a canyon. Today just skirting the mountains.

Random Frustration. Part two.

I've come to realize in this brief sigh of depression that there is benefit in chaos. For it seems random but in the least expecting moment clarity comes through briefly. It is the moment to seize it and not let go as the torrential tugs of darkness are never satisfied with my light. 

When the reprieve is finally upon me, I am left with purpose and my light will not wait. The cold atmosphere of reality fills my lungs, it infuses my blood with an expelling agent and it not only cleanses. It breaks me free of illusion. The symbiote is no more. My light even incomplete was not for it receive. Thus I part to a new horizon.  

Random frustration.

I do feel frustrated and angry. At both actors, one neglectful. The other, blind?

I just don't know sometimes, just like things I've said could have been uttered before and now they hurt. Somethings you say just upset me more.

Fucking limbo, fucking space, fucking circumstance.

This vision, you ought to know, is the same for both. Core requirements and things we need, within our reach. The longer the wait, well, the dream will be beyond reach. 

Let's see where this go.

I don't know what it is but there's something about you.

Is it your demure nature? The lack of destination? Adrift in the ocean as it were and taking the view. 

A small kindling that slowly warms and draws me in. 

I feel the hesitation when you're shy. 

I can see the inquiry in your eyes.

On each occasion that we meet, a new breakthrough has been reached.

You intrigue me so, like an unexpected book in which one takes a chance to read. A new world, a new experience. Piece by piece, a story comes together. Word by word, it begins to fill a void. 

Let it burn..

As I see it, it begins a stir in me.
Almost creeping, but not quite because I see it flowing and I don't want it to stop.
Everything else seems fine, but this fire, it's warm, and I want it.
My light wants more light, could I take it?

The cut that is still with me is not even a memory yet and it bleeds with a taste of betrayal and... fuel.
Oh but as I test the æther on the flame, it illuminates. Like a moth, I step closer.
I hold my heart and squeeze hard, as if there was nothing to hold to let it's contents flow.
Light, more light.

There's shadows around me. Shadows that hold back and show only part of what's there.
As this fire advances, the shadows die, they don't matter, they disappear. There's less pain.
Burn it, burn it all..
Just like a corrupted forest, it needs to be gone to grow again.

As I close my eyes, I see a lush field, a good place. It grows and beats with life of it's own.
In the distance, a dissonance, a distortion, like a phantom mirage but not quite.
Mmmm.. brimstone. I open my eyes and all is living red, not a lick of heat but energy that fills me.
The field is gone, as it should be. It was not meant to be.

Do not ignore the signs. I know better. Such neglect, damn, at least now I'm awake and I should have known, that such a feeble thing, goes as quickly as it comes...
and when the field is done, the ashes will feed the new seeds.
Like a phoenix, it rises, better, tougher, stronger. So they say, it's all part of the show.

On change.

I've been on a somewhat new journey in the last few weeks. Changes, evolution, movement. Things that take any person out of their comfort and it has been true for me as well. The more I cram new information and theories, bounce them to my self on my journal, I realize how much new territory is before me. Little things that I felt were common knowledge but didn't really acknowledge. So this process may take me a little further than were I'm in sync with my core but I embrace it and welcome it.

I don't believe in luck, karma or divine powers but coincidences do happen. And I had this come to me recently:

This is no divine sign, but just an interesting coincidence none the less. While the changes I'm about to embark on are definitely making me nervous, it's only the fear of change, I love the concept of evolving and everything that has happened to me and learned along the way has made me who I am now. It's not stopping until the day I die. I'm not sacrificing who I am, not changing in a way that is not me. Just evolving, leaving the things that drag me down, ideals that are not true to me and have held for far too long. Here I come.