Friday, June 26, 2009

A long time ago since...

It's been so long since I had so much energy inside of me.

When I was younger, around the time I was in High School and College there were times that my emotions overwhelmed me so much that I felt like I had to do something to cope with it. The emotions were so strong that they manifested themselves as energy. The main emotions I remember were anger, sadness and joy. I would be untrue if those where the only emotions that had, but as these things go, there was a mix and a whole variety of emotions in me at times. Anyway, those 3 were the strongest. Whatever the situation that enabled those emotions didn't really matter. I had to do something about them, or in my own terms, about the energy.

So, first I drew. I have lot's of old drawings that I did of anime. I also began writing poems. It was very artistic period for me. So, as I drew more and more, the drawings were more complex. When I had something that pissed me off or depressed me so much that it got to a point that I felt I could burst instantaneously I drew something that was harder or more difficult than I had before. I guess I drew because I couldn't make sense of my feelings and released some of it by drawing. As I got older, I was better at expressing those feelings in words, and that's how I got to poetry. I didn't receive any input on how to draw or write other than what I learned in public schooling. I didn't have many focused classes towards any of these forms of art or expression.

Little by little, I discovered that words were a better form of expressing because it not only helped release the energy but also could express what was going on. So, the last actual drawing under the influence of the energy surge was one of the Knights of the Zodiac. I'm not sure but that was early in college. In college I didn't write as much poetry. I had a journal. A real journal, no electronic digital textualization of my thoughts yet. It was an interesting time to say the least. I wrote on and off, mainly when I need it to get things out of my head on paper. I picked up this quote which I don't remember the author: "Words, once written, have life of their own". I treated what I wrote like that, and that helped when I read back in the sense that I was really looking at myself from the outside. Out of the box. Cool stuff, specially when you are trying to make sense of what you want, where you want to go, what you like, don't like, explore your inner thoughts and, be truthful to yourself.

Before I finished college, I was busy with work, basketball and obviously school. So I didn't write that much, but then.. Enter blogger. I created this very same blog. I have some weird shit in here. Thoughts, poems, cryptic self messages, rants. This too had a cycle like my other forms of expression. I got a lot into music and especially to progressive rock/metal. Which I felt filled a desire for complex structures like I had complex feelings. I do not write very often anymore. In part was because I felt no need due to a sensation of balance and direction. There were ups and downs during the last three years that weren't documented in this collective of words.

This day, when I stared to write this, I had the urge to do something from so much energy in me. I am going through some weird internal turmoil which has affected my ability to focus, to communicate and feel good. I could be depressed or anxious or tired or frustrated or impatient or angered or overwhelmed or something I can't think of right now. It could be a mix. Hell, I think I have all of them each in different amounts. I will confess that I had so much energy that my mind crossed the thought of having some form of physical pain to drain the energy. It was a low point, yes, but I am not that kind of person nor I want to be. Besides there are better ways to let go of this energy. I could run for a few miles until I am ready to drop. I care about my self enough to not do something stupid. There are also people out there who care about me too. In particular my wife, my friend, my partner, my light of day. So, I decided to write and share this with my self and anyone who may read this. To liberate some of that energy, because I felt like I was going to burst. Now, I'm glad that I did, I feel a little better. At least good enough to start tackling whatever the fucking hell is bugging me inside. I had enough. For a moment I was going to say that I was going to go back to myself when I realized how silly that is. I can't go back to who I was but I can evolve to a better version of that.

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