New Year resolutions

These are my personal resolutions for 2010. Honestly they are done a little hasty but they don't lose their value because of that.

Some years back I did something similar, the difference is that I called them something different. Because back them I thought the word resolutions didn't have enough meaning for me to carry them on.

This year has had a lot of ups and downs. I've learned about myself and I think I've achieved some progress. This new year is about consolidating that progress. So without further ado:

Technology

Develop personal and internal site on my domain

Build bug tool

Build budget tool

Build Inventory tool

Academics
Learn Mootools

Learn Python

Read 2 books per month

Visit one museum per quarter

Health
Sleep 8 Hours.

Wake up at between 7 and 8 everyday.

Complete 100 pushups challenge

Complete 200 situps challenge

Beat time of 7 minutes for a mile

Get rid of beer belly

Gaming
Get Halo: Reach and beat it in legendary

Get Halo Wars and beat it in legendary

Get Bayonetta adn beat it

Get Dante's Inferno and beat it

Get DJ Hero

Get Beatles Rock Band

Family, Friends and Entertainment

Go to Mexico with Caro and show her the sites!

Go to Utah with my second Mom and Dad for Christmas or Thanksgiving

Camp at least 4 times this year

Build a miniature plane model every quarter of the year

Get back in touch with a least 4 people who I've lost touch with

Blog at least 2 times per week.

Time and Money Management

Improve budget system and tracking

Save up for 6 months worth of living expenses

Eliminate pending debt

Feeling the motivation

I’m starting too feel motivated again. Partly because of my change of attitude, partly because I’m re-focusing on what is important. Mainly because I am becoming aware again of who I really am, what I really want and I am starting to walk away from the pointless shallowness I have been using to escape.

 

I am not scared. I live, I love and I find happiness once again. Happiness that never left.

I have declared my favorite band: Ayreon.

So I had an epiphany a few days weeks ago. I was at work and I was listening through my mp3s when I started to listen to Ayreon. This a band that was introduced to me by my good friend Ace. The very first track that I heard from this band was "Computer Eyes". Interestingly enough, it's about video games and a virtual reality in a dark and abstract way. Coolness. This was back in 2001 and that was all back then.

Not until several years later I stumbled upon the album "The Human Equation"... and I was blown away by the range in lyrics, music and concept. As I was listening it reminded me of something, then I remembered that song I had heard years back! So, as my interest grew in this album and band, I dove into who and what was behind it.

Ayreon is a progressive rock/metal Dutch project of Arjen A. Lucassen. He invokes and gathers musicians from other bands for his projects. To name some: Michael Romeo, Damian Wilson, Daniel Gildenlöw, Floor Jansen, Neal Morse, James LaBrie, Lori Linstruth, the great Erik Norlander and many more. I listed mainly vocalists, guitar players and a keyboard player, but the repertoire is much broader, from flutes to even the Didgeridoo.

Anyways, my path on the Ayreon track went to listening to "Into The Electric Castle", a great scifi rock opera which I think is one of the best albums I've ever heard. Then I got to "The Universal Migrator". This project consisted of two albums, Part 1: The Dream Sequencer geared towards a progressive feel and the other one Part 2: Flight of the Migrator was towards a more metal feel. Both great, but I identify more with metal one. The next album was "01011001", a culmination that ties all the previous albums and portrays how humans came to being. Only until lately have I really gotten into the other albums "The Final Experiment", "Actual Fantasy" and "Ayreonauts Only", which the first one is really good, but in the words of Ace: 'I had to train myself for it' and it's about this ministrel who receives a message from the future through a technolgy called "Time Telepathy" about how humanity comes to an end by destroying itself... How is that for a mouthful? Continuing, "Actual Fantasy" is not a concept album and the songs are independent of each other and very loosely tied, I have a special connection with this one because it has the song "Computer Eyes". Finally "Ayreonauts Only" is a compilation of alternate versions of songs released from "The Final Experiment" to "The Universal Migrator".
I need to make a special mention to the most recent album released: "Timeline". Which is a second compilation of select songs and a previously unreleased track.

I cannot choose a favorite album nor a favorite song, because each is different and depending on my mood I may like one or some over another. The following however, I keep coming back to and are in constant rotation in my ipod:

• Merlin's Will
• The Charm Of The Seer (and the alternate home demo version)
  
• Abbey Of Synn
• Computer Eyes
• Back On Planet Earth
• Isis and Osiris
• Time Beyond Time
• The Garden of Emotions
• Evil Devolution
• The Two Gates
• My House On Mars
• 2084
• Carried By The Wind
• And The Druids Turn To Stone
• Chaos
• Dawn Of A Million Souls
• Through The Wormhole (and the alternate version)
  
• Out Of The White Hole (and the alternate version)
  
• Carpe Diem
• Into the Black Hole (alternate version)
• Eyes of Time (alternate version)
• Day Two: Isolation
• Day Three: Pain
  
• Day Seven: Hope
• Day Eleven: Love
• Day Eighteen: Realization
• Day Twenty: Confrontation
• Age of Shadows
• Liquid Eternity
• Beneath The Waves
• Ride The Comet
• The Earth Extinction
• Unnatural Selection
• River Of Time
• E=MC2

Yeah, that's about it. :D Ayreon. Right on.

A Real man.

I just read a tweet that said: Real men are not vegetarian. I disagree with this. First of all because I believe there is no such thing as a "Real man". Just to get it out of the way, the concept of a "real man" that I see today has a lot of prejudices and stereotypes. This would be a though, dirty, rugged, meat-eating, tyrannosaurus sexual beast, also gay loathing, lesbian loving, misogynist.

I am struggling to reach a more adequate definition of a "Real man". You can't base it in what a societies dictate. Because every society is different. So, is a "real man" a "manly man" a misogynist man? or just a man that lives and supports a dominant male culture?
I can only say that a "Real man" is one that exists and that has a penis (with out the pun or the negative connotation).
However what about transgendered women and men? If a male "transgenders" to female did he stop being a man even with or without reassignment surgery? What about a female "transgendered" to male? What does it take to be a man?
So, I would take out that part about having a penis because I feel like it would be unfair for a transgendered person. They live, act, behave and embrace the sex they choose to be.. and even be "more of a man" than a "real man".

Now, I touched on the meat-eating. When did eating something or not define who we are? Granted the phrase that says "You are what you eat" could be used, but I think it refers to our health, not our definition. If I eat only sugar, I am very energetic and possibly become a diabetic. If I eat only fat, I will sure have fun when my heart clogs up. What we eat does not define us and I think that it's very disrespectful to vegetarians to say that a "real" whatever has to eat meat.

Entertaining my thoughts, just suppose that a "real man" is not a vegetarian holds true. Does that mean that "real women" are vegetarian? What the fuck? What is a "real woman"? Can I use the same arguments for discrediting the concept of "real man"? Would a feminist be offended if a born man has gender dysphoria and leans towards feminization finally calls himself a woman? Isn't that misandry?
I think we've all seen when a woman is like a man we call her a "butch" and a man like a woman a "sissy". Both words are one thing: stereotypes.
Woman and man? sometimes stereotypes, sometimes gender, sometimes just appearance.

We are only Humans and a "Real human" is any human.

Today is a Monday

Even though today is a Monday, I feel good. I had to share this, because it's been a while since I felt like this. Like, a new cycle has started. This is very internal. Have you had those moments where you suddenly realize that something changed? like something has passed? I feel like that.

However, I don't think I'm out of the woods yet. Definitely getting there.

Cheers...

A long time ago since...

It's been so long since I had so much energy inside of me.

When I was younger, around the time I was in High School and College there were times that my emotions overwhelmed me so much that I felt like I had to do something to cope with it. The emotions were so strong that they manifested themselves as energy. The main emotions I remember were anger, sadness and joy. I would be untrue if those where the only emotions that had, but as these things go, there was a mix and a whole variety of emotions in me at times. Anyway, those 3 were the strongest. Whatever the situation that enabled those emotions didn't really matter. I had to do something about them, or in my own terms, about the energy.

So, first I drew. I have lot's of old drawings that I did of anime. I also began writing poems. It was very artistic period for me. So, as I drew more and more, the drawings were more complex. When I had something that pissed me off or depressed me so much that it got to a point that I felt I could burst instantaneously I drew something that was harder or more difficult than I had before. I guess I drew because I couldn't make sense of my feelings and released some of it by drawing. As I got older, I was better at expressing those feelings in words, and that's how I got to poetry. I didn't receive any input on how to draw or write other than what I learned in public schooling. I didn't have many focused classes towards any of these forms of art or expression.

Little by little, I discovered that words were a better form of expressing because it not only helped release the energy but also could express what was going on. So, the last actual drawing under the influence of the energy surge was one of the Knights of the Zodiac. I'm not sure but that was early in college. In college I didn't write as much poetry. I had a journal. A real journal, no electronic digital textualization of my thoughts yet. It was an interesting time to say the least. I wrote on and off, mainly when I need it to get things out of my head on paper. I picked up this quote which I don't remember the author: "Words, once written, have life of their own". I treated what I wrote like that, and that helped when I read back in the sense that I was really looking at myself from the outside. Out of the box. Cool stuff, specially when you are trying to make sense of what you want, where you want to go, what you like, don't like, explore your inner thoughts and, be truthful to yourself.

Before I finished college, I was busy with work, basketball and obviously school. So I didn't write that much, but then.. Enter blogger. I created this very same blog. I have some weird shit in here. Thoughts, poems, cryptic self messages, rants. This too had a cycle like my other forms of expression. I got a lot into music and especially to progressive rock/metal. Which I felt filled a desire for complex structures like I had complex feelings. I do not write very often anymore. In part was because I felt no need due to a sensation of balance and direction. There were ups and downs during the last three years that weren't documented in this collective of words.

This day, when I stared to write this, I had the urge to do something from so much energy in me. I am going through some weird internal turmoil which has affected my ability to focus, to communicate and feel good. I could be depressed or anxious or tired or frustrated or impatient or angered or overwhelmed or something I can't think of right now. It could be a mix. Hell, I think I have all of them each in different amounts. I will confess that I had so much energy that my mind crossed the thought of having some form of physical pain to drain the energy. It was a low point, yes, but I am not that kind of person nor I want to be. Besides there are better ways to let go of this energy. I could run for a few miles until I am ready to drop. I care about my self enough to not do something stupid. There are also people out there who care about me too. In particular my wife, my friend, my partner, my light of day. So, I decided to write and share this with my self and anyone who may read this. To liberate some of that energy, because I felt like I was going to burst. Now, I'm glad that I did, I feel a little better. At least good enough to start tackling whatever the fucking hell is bugging me inside. I had enough. For a moment I was going to say that I was going to go back to myself when I realized how silly that is. I can't go back to who I was but I can evolve to a better version of that.

changes are coming...

Changes are coming, keep posted...

I've been feeling like blogging again.. lots! but I don't want to start another blog. I want to use this one. However, as much as I like the posts here I want to archive them; keep them available, but not on this blog.

... mmm.. I'm still thinking about how to proceed.. we'll see.

-C

Untitled (On purpose)

Here I let my thoughts drift.

Tonight I close my eyes and let my imagination drive.

On a moment of insipiration, I give life to words without hesitation.

Flow is become me, in ways of waves of vibe.

Lucidity, is the essence, and a spark finally caught on.

Oh night, How I missed thee.

(Translation: I am most inspired at night and tonight, I felt like posting)

My Kind of Girl..

I would like to share something I wrote a loooooong time ago (which would be 6/13/2006):

If you like doing sports... you're my kind of girl.
If you like watching sports... you're my kind of girl.
If you don't like smoking... you're my kind of girl.
If you like looking at the clouds.. you're my kind of girl.
If you like looking at the stars... you're my kind of girl.
If you like Anime... you're my kind of girl.
If you like to be sexy... you're my kind of girl.
If you like to be feminine... you'r my kind of girl.
If you see things in people's eyes... you're my kind of girl.
If you belive in flying... you're my kind of girl.
If your social life does not depend on clubs... you're my kind of girl.
If you don't need to drink to have fun... you're my kind of girl.
If you like set the sun down... you're my kind of girl.

If you are looking for me... I'm your man, girl. I've been looking for you girl.

So, here is to follow up.

Caro, thanks for talking to me, your seeded in me hope.
You lit the way for me, you are my guide in the dark.
You always held out a hand, you are my best friend.
You dared to open my heart, I gave it to you all.
You are my girl...
I love you.