Random Thought Foundry

2012 - The beginning of the end?

2012-01-01T23:24:00.000-08:00

It's 2012. According to the Mayan's the end of an era. I would like to know the accuracy/equivalent of Gregorian calendar vs. the Mayan calendar to pinpoint the exact time the end is. I posted on my facebook status that if it's the end we should try to go out with a bang. Not because it could be the end, but because we only have one life to live and it should be lived to the fullest.

Just recently I've begun to really realize how much I've been holding back and slowly through self acceptance and forgiveness I feel more like myself than ever before. It can be motivational to give the beginning of the year special significance to start over or renew convictions and resolutions, but it's never too late to change and make new choices any day or time. If it's empowering for some, excellent. In the end, it's just a date, perhaps easier to remember but a date just the same. What matters is action and results, not the date.

Traditionally, Christmas and New Year's eve were dates where I would wanted to be surrounded by loved ones, to cherish the time that has passed and that is to come. On 2011, I wasn't surrounded by people, but was loved just the same. When I see and talk to my friends I cherish and hope for the best just the same. Holidays are special and I like them when they are not just marketing opportunities. I hope for all my acquaintances, friends and family that they had a great time this holiday season and that they have a great next year.

A special shout out to my besties of besties Carolina, who is by my side and knows me better than anyone and still puts up with me. I love you Caro. And another shout out to my in-laws who are the best of people and not only are like my second set of parents but friends as well. Today I spent with them my first winter picnic up in the mountains which was cold on my feet but really warm inside. It was a great way to start the year.

Cheers and happy New Year!

Any given day to start

2011-05-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days where I wake up and I feel like I almost don't recognize me anymore. The fact that I can look back and see where I am or how I got here is kinda moot. Before this feeling keeps bottling up more and more I need to actually do something about it otherwise it will explode, and doesn't lead to anything good.
Sigh. The fact that I've neglect feelings or refuse to give myself time to have some outlet really hinders my capacity to do anything. Then so many things accumulate that it seems mind boggling to try to sort through it all. If this doesn't make sense it's probably because of my acute ability to say a lot but not really get to the point.

Where to start? Does it matter? I mean when you got so much crap to sort in your head, your drawer, your garage, etc, anywhere you begin is good. In that respect then, I guess I'll start with what is most recent. This last month or two I've had a lot of ideas and sparks of creativity but for some reason or another I don't do anything about it. Which sucks because I look around me and see people getting a lot of things done. Not paying attention to the fairness or equality of the comparison between me and whoever, I just don't do anything. Gah, I don't even feel like I can make sense of my thoughts. Mm.. I remember when I used to do freestyle writing just for the hell of it. That is what this post feels like, the big difference is I'm not trying to free style. I do think anything that you learn and stop doing sorta rusts and is not as quick/sharp/efficient but the upside is that when you pick it up again it's like picking up the bicycle. Once you learned it, it will come back to you. Such is my writing this day. Such are my thought processes. Such are my actions. Too much freestyle, no control, no pushing of limits, no exercise.

One drawback of having so much stuff kept inside is that when you open up everything wants to come out surging. In my case I can feel exasperated that I can't write it all or that I can't keep up with my thoughts. It's a loss of balance, where I want to release some of the internal pressure but it's too much to control so it all just burst out, in order to stop it all has to be shut. In a world of intentions only actions count. This is my effort to slowly release the clutter and regain balance.

I'm not perfect.

2011-05-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

Constantly tumbling and falling to pieces, only to pick them up in the same order. I loathe this habitual gravity that I can't seem to escape.

I want to break free and stop trying to be perfect, I want to try and fail and try again and again.

For I will not be the unachievable but just a little better every day.

A week update

2011-01-11T00:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I have been keeping with the exercise well. Only one day that I took off from doing exercise. Also I got an agenda and I started using it right after I got it. I'm really trying to get into good habits. Most of my life I've had someone do a lot of things for me, so you could say I've been spoiled. No more. This is short update because I'm trying to sleep more and it's past my bed time. lol

What's next in 2011

2011-01-04T00:34:00.000-08:00

These are my goals for 2011.

Short, simple and to the point.

Health and Fitness
1. Run/Exercise every weekday.
2. Reduce my belly size 39 inches to 36.
3. Reduce and keep weight of 82 kilos (~180 lbs).
4. Complete 100 push-up challenge.
5. Complete the 200 sit-ups challenge.

Academics
1. Learn Spring.
2. Learn CCS3 and HTML5.
3. Read a book per month.
4. Read both grammar books I got in 2010.
5. Help Carolina with one Spanish lesson every weekend.
6. Code in different languages mini-projects that my brother gets.

Health
1. Sleep 7-8 hours daily.
2. Pray/Meditate once per day.
3. Reduce sugar(s) that I eat by half.
4. When given an option for a side dish go for the salad or the healthiest possible.

Development/Tech
1. Setup carlosapg.com
2. Setup main page for carnator.com

Home Improvement
1. 2 Fridays a month spend the evening cooking or baking with Caro.
2. Build my own standing desk.

Time Management
1. Get agenda and use it daily.
2. No more than 5 hours per week on videogames and no more than 1.5 hours per day.

Finance
1. Have a limit of $50 when going out to eat per month.
2. Update our budget to focus even more on building an even stronger savings.

Just being honest.. #001

2011-01-03T16:25:00.000-08:00

When I see profile pictures of (grown) people with an infant, the first thing I think of is: "Is that their child?"

Then if it is, I think: "Ok, they are proud to be parents.. cool. I wonder if I'll do that when I have kids of my own.. mm I'm hungry.. etc"

If it's not their kid: "Mmmm.. I don't know.. that can be either very creepy or touching.."

A round-up of 2010

2011-01-02T00:25:00.000-08:00

So I'm looking at my goals for 2010 and well, I didn't do good. I'm being upfront on my blog because I want to remind myself of this fact and then work harder this year.

In Technology I did horribly having done none of my goals. The only thing that comes remotely close is having put this blog on a new domain. My domain, w00t! Final score: 5%.

Academics was a little better but still nothing to be super exited about. I did not learn Python per se, but I did code with this language so it's a good start. No mootools. Books I did read a few but not 2 per month as I intended. On Museums we did visit a couple here in the US and a bunch when we visited Mexico. So here I would give it 50%.

Health... Meh, I think I did good the first half of the year and then after summer I totally failed. 40%.

Gaming. I even didn't do so good on my favorite hobby. While it should be comforting that this is such an optional goal it's something that didn't get completed. So here I got a 50%.

Family, Friends and Entertainment. This is my second best category but still not great. 65%.

Finally, Time and Money Management. This is my best. 80%

And now for some statistics:
Overall completion - 48.33%

2010 yielded more posts for me than 3 years prior in this blog. I'm not including the posts I did on other blogs. So that is good.

Next up, 2011 goals and resolutions.

-C

Introducing... My blog on a carnator.com domain

2010-12-20T14:32:00.000-08:00

Indeed my (if any) readers.. Introducing blog.carnator.com

Yes, you've read correctly: Carnator.com. I have the domain I've wanted for a while now. About a month ago I decided to check if it was available and behold! I bought it without thinking about it.

More to follow.. w00t!

-Carnator

Sunday of work

2010-08-08T22:58:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a freelance project. It's coming along. I'm actually doing some design work which I haven't done in a loooooong time. I feel inspired to write tho, but I have to work on this. Damn it. Why is it that my inspiration comes at night most of the time.. Music is helping too, my Dream Theather station in pandora plays very good music. It fuels the inspiration. I guess on the flip side I'm channeling my drive towards work.

Inception, must see!

2010-07-19T01:35:00.001-07:00

Some times it's alright to break the rules. It's late because Caro and I just came back from watching inception. It's an awesome movie about dreams with elements of science fiction, action, suspense and just weird-ass concepts. It does have some predictive elements but they can be overlooked with the cool effects and pace of the movie. Avatar was a predictive movie, this one not so much. I really liked it and I recommend it.

Friday Anime Nights

2010-07-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

My good friend Alex drops by and we watch anime. Today is that day. We are currently watching Macross (because Alex hasn't seen it in it's full Japanese glory), School rumble, and we know we are also watching Highschool of the Dead. This last one is new and it's very impressive.

This weekend Caro and I have plans to finish our dinning table/nook. The set looks good but it's far from finished. There's going to the farmer's market and the possibility of a free-lance project. Then Sunday we are off to the city again to eat at Gracias Madre.

Good Stuff! I'm putting links now too. Now I must finish reading the Bungie update for Halo: Reach. Aweeesooooooome!

I lied.

2010-07-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

I said I was going to post twice, but alas, I could not. I really did not want to break the 10 pm rule more than what I already had. In fact I'm breaking it right now. My accomplishment for today was to be more focused. I managed to do a lot at work and at home. I felt more energized and as you can see right now, I'm trying to keep up. Keeping it short. Laters.

Awesome, no tracking!

2010-07-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I didn't post last night. So I will post twice today. Do you like the new desing? I think it's ok, but not final by any means. The downside is that when I changed it, the tracking for analytics went poof.. yeah, like that, poof..

So it's back now and I'm listening to Tiesto. I saw him live @coachella. It was Fucking® awesome!
Yeah, I know I jam to power/speed/prog/metal but it's good to be open to new things. I'm still avoiding the pop genres, but I'm very confortable with electronica and recently dub-step. Stuff like Tiesto, Benny Benassi, Deadmau5 is good too.

Cheerio!

The 11th Hour

2010-07-12T22:43:00.000-07:00

Today's highlight was the documentary The 11th Hour. The title refers to "a time which is nearly too late" and the subject of the film was the environment. I don't encourage piracy but this is something I think deserves to be watched by anyone who has been concerned by the environment at least once. So take some time and youtube it, download it through Netflix or whatever tickles your fancy.

I don't mean to be pushy but Ignorance is not bliss. It's an illusion, deception, falsehood, it's negligence. It's not taking a step forward, it's basically sitting down and rotting. Knowledge is power and yes, power corrupts. But it's not the rule nor the exception. It's a choice. It's how we use the knowledge. Knowledge can be flawed if it's not complete. Some of our great discoveries yielded great results but at the same time they did not have the full knowledge of the consequences. So, if you think about it, sometimes knowledge does not corrupt but rather incomplete knowledge is corrupt itself. Once knowledge is complete our own heart will make use of the knowledge.

Rather than thinking of filling your self of knowledge, be aware. Have awareness of the source, present state, benefits, downsides, consequences and then, make a CHOICE. We always have the power of choice and while we can change our choice, be aware that some choices have permanent effects. It's good if you make a choice for the greater good, remember that sometimes it can be too late.

http://www.youtube.com/user/11thhouraction#p/u/56/7IBG2V98IBY

If you can, if you please, help and let's stop the suicide of our own species. You don't have to do everything, just two things... start do something and spread the word. Take a step.

Enough preaching, peace.

Sunday of Outings

2010-07-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

The city (San Francisco) was our setting today. It was a very tranquil day and one of the best things of today was that we ate at a 100% vegan restaurant. It was very very good! It's called the Loving Hut It's highly recommendable even if you are not vegan and just want to take a break from animal derived food. Anyway, I'm breaking the rule of no electronics after 10 because I don't want to miss a post so I'll just go with a cryptic attempt at a poem....

The path of us men is threaded by our failures,

And only a few follow a noble path,

Yet the brotherhood stands.

Forging through pain our lives expand,

There are those who dare not resent,

Yet together we stand.

I saw my brother in not with a righteous attitude,

In the respect of blood I stood by,

I now see him a much better man.

There is hope after all.

Saturday of Normal but with a good end

2010-07-10T22:14:00.000-07:00

This Saturday was pretty standard. Wake up, do chores, get some stuff for the cats, revelations, food, drive on the scooter.. wait, what? revelations? Well, it's more of what I know but re-discovered I guess, nothing new but needs to be put into greater light. Far from the praises Caro gives me I have my own internal issues I have to deal with, which one of the reasons I started to write again.
To write, for me, is to reflect and to expand. Something I did not encourage for a long time and has left me 'drifting'. I find it unfortunate but also pathetic that so much time has passed neglecting something which is part of my core. Through writing I reach new ideas and let emotions flow that otherwise are kept locked and cause a mess.
Anyway, tonight we watched "What Dreams May Come". I've wanted to see this for a long time and I finally did. It's very good. I like the visuals and the acting was good. The DVD that we watched had as a special feature with an alternate ending. It was interesting to see but I think the original was better.
Finally it's time to shut down electronics off. Caro and I are starting to really get into the habit of sleeping better and getting up early.

Signing off,
Carlos

Today is Anime night

2010-07-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

I don't get to blog much today because it's anime night so we have some Macross lined up, School rumble (I think that's the name) and High School of the Dead. I'm happy with just Macross. It's one of the things that really defined my enjoyment of anime. So. Very short and sweet.

w00t!

Short and Sweet

2010-07-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

Third in a row. woot!

I am trying to shut down electronics at a certain time to get used to going to sleep early. Shutting eyes at 1:00 am every day is not something I would boast. So I will keep this short.

My good friend Miguel G. got married this week, so congratulations to him and Nelly. I will make sure I congratulate you personally when Caro and I visit Aguas in the fall.

Work has been really fun for the last month. I say that with minimal sarcasm because I'm actually enjoy it. There was some internal team restructuring and I think we all felt the ground shake under our feet, but it think it was mainly the resistance to change.

Finally, I'm considering adopting Pongo permanently. He's grown on me a lot. I haven't decided but who could resist this...

He is a very loving kitty, here is one that does give him justice by a little bit of his cuteness:

I have a few days to decide. We'll see.

-C

OMG Another one!

2010-07-07T23:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is the beginning of a roll. They say that it takes 21 days straight to form a habit, so this means I have 19 days to go to make this a habit. Does this mean I want to blog everyday? Maybe not, but I want to do this for at least 21 days and then go from there. It's not a huge feat but also not a small task. If it's too easy, then it's also too easy to drop. With a good amount of effort and dedication it's harder to let go because of the energy invested. That's how my theory goes, when in fact when you are procrastinator you just drop it or leave it for later. Not good.

So, with that intro and theme I want to go onto how I'm doing with my new year's resolutions I set last December. It's hard to look at these because I haven't done a very good job on the ones that matter. Here is the break down and I will rate myself from 1(lowest) to 10(highest) on how I think I've done the first half of the year:
Technology
Develop personal and internal site on my domain. 2. Only because I renovated the domain
Build bug tool 1. Nothing done
Build budget tool 1. Nothing done
Build Inventory tool 1. Nothing done

Academics
Learn Mootools 1. Nothing done
Learn Python 5. I've done some minor code fixes at work, I still could learn formally
Read 2 books per month 1. Nothing done
Visit one museum per quarter 5. I went to the De Young Museum when my in-laws visited

Health
Sleep 8 Hours. 7. Not so bad, but I could be doing better
Wake up at between 7 and 8 everyday. 6. Thanks to work I have done this to some degree
Complete 100 pushups challenge 1. Nothing done
Complete 200 situps challenge 1. Nothing done
Beat time of 7 minutes for a mile 8. The fastest I've done is 8 minutes
Get rid of beer belly 9. I got rid of it! But it's coming back lately so I need to work on that

Gaming
Get Halo: Reach and beat it in legendary 5. I played the beta and I have the pre-order
Get Halo Wars and beat it in legendary 6. I got the game but I haven't even finished it
Get Bayonetta adn beat it 10. done
Get Dante's Inferno and beat it 10. done
Get DJ Hero 1. nothing done
Get Beatles Rock Band 1. nothing done

Family, Friends and Entertainment
Go to Mexico with Caro and show her the sites! 5. Got the tickets, now we just need to go
Go to Utah with my second Mom and Dad for Christmas or Thanksgiving 3. Planning on Thanksgiving
Camp at least 4 times this year 3. We camped at coachella!
Build a miniature plane model every quarter of the year 4. Built one!
Get back in touch with a least 4 people who I've lost touch with 1. nothing done
Blog at least 2 times per week. pfff not even going there

Time and Money Management
Improve budget system and tracking 6. Caro re-did our sheet and I've been tracking it
Save up for 6 months worth of living expenses 4. We haven't reach that point yet
Eliminate pending debt 10. Yes

Next I will re-evaulate what needs to be done. But that's on the next post.

Sigh... Dusting the blog again

2010-07-06T23:12:00.002-07:00

Here I am again. Picking up dust here again and it's been a while. I could be nerdy and make a graph of how big of a decline I've had posting, but I'm not going to do that. Instead I will blog and make the numbers go up. I've been through a lot these last months and years. Good things, hard things, lovely things.. all kinds of things. What I've come up with is that I need to do more. Which right now is just doing. I've always have had a problem with procrastination, and I'm not going to blame it on where I come from because that is B.S. It's easier for me to notice that now that I've been living life more seriously how one needs to be ready and prepared. Specially if you have goals. It takes work and it's not easy. It's great when something goes smoothly but I don't think all things should come easy. Quite the opposite, the greatest rewards come with great effort.

So yes, here I am, trying, imperfect as I am but still doing. Yes, I'm cryptic like that (but I'm really talking mostly about blogging/writing and a little on doing more things in general). This is because I felt like writing and let the words take me to wherever. You could say I'm free styling it. Oh, I wanted to say that I'm F-ing tired of damn spammers putting comments on my blog. I keep having to delete them. I gotta keep this thing moving.

I'm in one of those moments where I want to write and it's hard to come up with something good. Isn't that writers block? The only problem with that is that I don't write so I shouldn't have it! ha! Ok, getting hyper. No problem tho. That's just how I roll sometimes. I feel good because at least I'm writing and if this is a low point of blog posts for me, so be it, I just need to get off my virtual ass and do something here so I am.

Cool. Crazy. Hyper. Sleepy. Weird. Tall.
Carlos.

Questions

2010-02-08T22:45:00.002-08:00

For months, I've been stuck on whys. Why do I feel this way? Why didn't I do this or that? Why? why, why, why.

Then I started to focus on hows. How can I feel differently? How do I change this? How? How, how, how, how.

It finally came. The answer to why was me. The answer to how was mine a long time ago and is still with me..

It's right here.

Mayor Lifestyle Change

2010-01-14T22:24:00.002-08:00

So, this may shock some people. Indeed, it already has, me for starters! I decided to become vegan. Which means no ingestion of any animal products. No meat (of any animal) nor eggs, milk or any other product derived of these things.

I expect that the majority of people who know me to have some surprise. I was a very aggressive meat eater and those who knew me best saw me devour taco after taco when really hungry. I will miss it, to some degree.

This is a big change. One that I did not foresee in my future but I embrace it.

All change is good. It's going to take months for me to fully adjust and reap the benefits. I need to detoxify my body of all the crap I've been putting in it.

I have my reasons to undergo this transformation and I'm not going to be able to expose them all here, however I will share with you one of the main catalysts.. The book Skinny Bastard.

It's about weight loss, but before you dismiss it for whatever reason, this is not a self help book, not a 'diet book' per-se. It's about all the crap we put in our bodies which do not only include the sugars and fattening foods, but also what meat really contains and does to you; what milk contains and does to you. How industrialized animals get treated and processed. Very eye-opening. And as a plus it's very in your face about it, which makes it very light and entertaining to read.

To wrap this up, I created a youTube video to document and to have another mean to remember and expose my thoughts and ideas. Enjoy.

Today I decided

2010-01-05T10:09:00.003-08:00

In the wee hours of the day, I decided to not drink cow's milk anymore. My eyes have been opened to a whole new level of sick.

I never thought cow's milk would have so many elements that are carcinogens, but it is what it is.

Cheers...

New Year resolutions

2009-12-31T21:02:00.003-08:00

These are my personal resolutions for 2010. Honestly they are done a little hasty but they don't lose their value because of that.

Some years back I did something similar, the difference is that I called them something different. Because back them I thought the word resolutions didn't have enough meaning for me to carry them on.

This year has had a lot of ups and downs. I've learned about myself and I think I've achieved some progress. This new year is about consolidating that progress. So without further ado:

Technology

Develop personal and internal site on my domain

Build bug tool

Build budget tool

Build Inventory tool

Academics
Learn Mootools

Learn Python

Read 2 books per month

Visit one museum per quarter

Health
Sleep 8 Hours.

Wake up at between 7 and 8 everyday.

Complete 100 pushups challenge

Complete 200 situps challenge

Beat time of 7 minutes for a mile

Get rid of beer belly

Gaming
Get Halo: Reach and beat it in legendary

Get Halo Wars and beat it in legendary

Get Bayonetta adn beat it

Get Dante's Inferno and beat it

Get DJ Hero

Get Beatles Rock Band

Family, Friends and Entertainment

Go to Mexico with Caro and show her the sites!

Go to Utah with my second Mom and Dad for Christmas or Thanksgiving

Camp at least 4 times this year

Build a miniature plane model every quarter of the year

Get back in touch with a least 4 people who I've lost touch with

Blog at least 2 times per week.

Time and Money Management

Improve budget system and tracking

Save up for 6 months worth of living expenses

Eliminate pending debt

Feeling the motivation

2009-08-03T08:29:00.002-07:00

I’m starting too feel motivated again. Partly because of my change of attitude, partly because I’m re-focusing on what is important. Mainly because I am becoming aware again of who I really am, what I really want and I am starting to walk away from the pointless shallowness I have been using to escape.

I am not scared. I live, I love and I find happiness once again. Happiness that never left.

I have declared my favorite band: Ayreon.

2009-07-06T09:58:00.006-07:00

So I had an epiphany a few ~~days~~ weeks ago. I was at work and I was listening through my mp3s when I started to listen to Ayreon. This a band that was introduced to me by my good friend Ace. The very first track that I heard from this band was "Computer Eyes". Interestingly enough, it's about video games and a virtual reality in a dark and abstract way. Coolness. This was back in 2001 and that was all back then.

Not until several years later I stumbled upon the album "The Human Equation"... and I was blown away by the range in lyrics, music and concept. As I was listening it reminded me of something, then I remembered that song I had heard years back! So, as my interest grew in this album and band, I dove into who and what was behind it.

Ayreon is a progressive rock/metal Dutch project of Arjen A. Lucassen. He invokes and gathers musicians from other bands for his projects. To name some: Michael Romeo, Damian Wilson, Daniel Gildenlöw, Floor Jansen, Neal Morse, James LaBrie, Lori Linstruth, the great Erik Norlander and many more. I listed mainly vocalists, guitar players and a keyboard player, but the repertoire is much broader, from flutes to even the Didgeridoo.

Anyways, my path on the Ayreon track went to listening to "Into The Electric Castle", a great scifi rock opera which I think is one of the best albums I've ever heard. Then I got to "The Universal Migrator". This project consisted of two albums, Part 1: The Dream Sequencer geared towards a progressive feel and the other one Part 2: Flight of the Migrator was towards a more metal feel. Both great, but I identify more with metal one. The next album was "01011001", a culmination that ties all the previous albums and portrays how humans came to being. Only until lately have I really gotten into the other albums "The Final Experiment", "Actual Fantasy" and "Ayreonauts Only", which the first one is really good, but in the words of Ace: 'I had to train myself for it' and it's about this ministrel who receives a message from the future through a technolgy called "Time Telepathy" about how humanity comes to an end by destroying itself... How is that for a mouthful? Continuing, "Actual Fantasy" is not a concept album and the songs are independent of each other and very loosely tied, I have a special connection with this one because it has the song "Computer Eyes". Finally "Ayreonauts Only" is a compilation of alternate versions of songs released from "The Final Experiment" to "The Universal Migrator".
I need to make a special mention to the most recent album released: "Timeline". Which is a second compilation of select songs and a previously unreleased track.

I cannot choose a favorite album nor a favorite song, because each is different and depending on my mood I may like one or some over another. The following however, I keep coming back to and are in constant rotation in my ipod:

Merlin's Will
The Charm Of The Seer (and the alternate home demo version)
Abbey Of Synn
Computer Eyes
Back On Planet Earth
Isis and Osiris
Time Beyond Time
The Garden of Emotions
Evil Devolution
The Two Gates
My House On Mars
2084
Carried By The Wind
And The Druids Turn To Stone
Chaos
Dawn Of A Million Souls
Through The Wormhole (and the alternate version)
Out Of The White Hole (and the alternate version)
Carpe Diem
Into the Black Hole (alternate version)
Eyes of Time (alternate version)
Day Two: Isolation
Day Three: Pain
Day Seven: Hope
Day Eleven: Love
Day Eighteen: Realization
Day Twenty: Confrontation
Age of Shadows
Liquid Eternity
Beneath The Waves
Ride The Comet
The Earth Extinction
Unnatural Selection
River Of Time
E=MC2

Yeah, that's about it. :D Ayreon. Right on.

A Real man.

2009-06-30T11:55:00.003-07:00

I just read a tweet that said: Real men are not vegetarian. I disagree with this. First of all because I believe there is no such thing as a "Real man". Just to get it out of the way, the concept of a "real man" that I see today has a lot of prejudices and stereotypes. This would be a though, dirty, rugged, meat-eating, tyrannosaurus sexual beast, also gay loathing, lesbian loving, misogynist.

I am struggling to reach a more adequate definition of a "Real man". You can't base it in what a societies dictate. Because every society is different. So, is a "real man" a "manly man" a misogynist man? or just a man that lives and supports a dominant male culture?
I can only say that a "Real man" is one that exists and that has a penis (with out the pun or the negative connotation).
However what about transgendered women and men? If a male "transgenders" to female did he stop being a man even with or without reassignment surgery? What about a female "transgendered" to male? What does it take to be a man?
So, I would take out that part about having a penis because I feel like it would be unfair for a transgendered person. They live, act, behave and embrace the sex they choose to be.. and even be "more of a man" than a "real man".

Now, I touched on the meat-eating. When did eating something or not define who we are? Granted the phrase that says "You are what you eat" could be used, but I think it refers to our health, not our definition. If I eat only sugar, I am very energetic and possibly become a diabetic. If I eat only fat, I will sure have fun when my heart clogs up. What we eat does not define us and I think that it's very disrespectful to vegetarians to say that a "real" whatever has to eat meat.

Entertaining my thoughts, just suppose that a "real man" is not a vegetarian holds true. Does that mean that "real women" are vegetarian? What the fuck? What is a "real woman"? Can I use the same arguments for discrediting the concept of "real man"? Would a feminist be offended if a born man has gender dysphoria and leans towards feminization finally calls himself a woman? Isn't that misandry?
I think we've all seen when a woman is like a man we call her a "butch" and a man like a woman a "sissy". Both words are one thing: stereotypes.
Woman and man? sometimes stereotypes, sometimes gender, sometimes just appearance.

We are only Humans and a "Real human" is any human.

Today is a Monday

2009-06-29T11:08:00.002-07:00

Even though today is a Monday, I feel good. I had to share this, because it's been a while since I felt like this. Like, a new cycle has started. This is very internal. Have you had those moments where you suddenly realize that something changed? like something has passed? I feel like that.

However, I don't think I'm out of the woods yet. Definitely getting there.

Cheers...

A long time ago since...

2009-06-26T10:30:00.002-07:00

It's been so long since I had so much energy inside of me.

When I was younger, around the time I was in High School and College there were times that my emotions overwhelmed me so much that I felt like I had to do something to cope with it. The emotions were so strong that they manifested themselves as energy. The main emotions I remember were anger, sadness and joy. I would be untrue if those where the only emotions that had, but as these things go, there was a mix and a whole variety of emotions in me at times. Anyway, those 3 were the strongest. Whatever the situation that enabled those emotions didn't really matter. I had to do something about them, or in my own terms, about the energy.

So, first I drew. I have lot's of old drawings that I did of anime. I also began writing poems. It was very artistic period for me. So, as I drew more and more, the drawings were more complex. When I had something that pissed me off or depressed me so much that it got to a point that I felt I could burst instantaneously I drew something that was harder or more difficult than I had before. I guess I drew because I couldn't make sense of my feelings and released some of it by drawing. As I got older, I was better at expressing those feelings in words, and that's how I got to poetry. I didn't receive any input on how to draw or write other than what I learned in public schooling. I didn't have many focused classes towards any of these forms of art or expression.

Little by little, I discovered that words were a better form of expressing because it not only helped release the energy but also could express what was going on. So, the last actual drawing under the influence of the energy surge was one of the Knights of the Zodiac. I'm not sure but that was early in college. In college I didn't write as much poetry. I had a journal. A real journal, no electronic digital textualization of my thoughts yet. It was an interesting time to say the least. I wrote on and off, mainly when I need it to get things out of my head on paper. I picked up this quote which I don't remember the author: "Words, once written, have life of their own". I treated what I wrote like that, and that helped when I read back in the sense that I was really looking at myself from the outside. Out of the box. Cool stuff, specially when you are trying to make sense of what you want, where you want to go, what you like, don't like, explore your inner thoughts and, be truthful to yourself.

Before I finished college, I was busy with work, basketball and obviously school. So I didn't write that much, but then.. Enter blogger. I created this very same blog. I have some weird shit in here. Thoughts, poems, cryptic self messages, rants. This too had a cycle like my other forms of expression. I got a lot into music and especially to progressive rock/metal. Which I felt filled a desire for complex structures like I had complex feelings. I do not write very often anymore. In part was because I felt no need due to a sensation of balance and direction. There were ups and downs during the last three years that weren't documented in this collective of words.

This day, when I stared to write this, I had the urge to do something from so much energy in me. I am going through some weird internal turmoil which has affected my ability to focus, to communicate and feel good. I could be depressed or anxious or tired or frustrated or impatient or angered or overwhelmed or something I can't think of right now. It could be a mix. Hell, I think I have all of them each in different amounts. I will confess that I had so much energy that my mind crossed the thought of having some form of physical pain to drain the energy. It was a low point, yes, but I am not that kind of person nor I want to be. Besides there are better ways to let go of this energy. I could run for a few miles until I am ready to drop. I care about my self enough to not do something stupid. There are also people out there who care about me too. In particular my wife, my friend, my partner, my light of day. So, I decided to write and share this with my self and anyone who may read this. To liberate some of that energy, because I felt like I was going to burst. Now, I'm glad that I did, I feel a little better. At least good enough to start tackling whatever the fucking hell is bugging me inside. I had enough. For a moment I was going to say that I was going to go back to myself when I realized how silly that is. I can't go back to who I was but I can evolve to a better version of that.

changes are coming...

2009-06-11T11:43:00.002-07:00

Changes are coming, keep posted...

I've been feeling like blogging again.. lots! but I don't want to start another blog. I want to use this one. However, as much as I like the posts here I want to archive them; keep them available, but not on this blog.

... mmm.. I'm still thinking about how to proceed.. we'll see.

-C

Untitled (On purpose)

2009-04-04T01:01:00.002-07:00

Here I let my thoughts drift.

Tonight I close my eyes and let my imagination drive.

On a moment of insipiration, I give life to words without hesitation.

Flow has become me, in ways of waves of vibe.

Lucid, is the essence, and a spark finally caught on.

Oh night, How I missed thee.

(Translation: I am most inspired at night and tonight, I felt like posting)

My Kind of Girl..

2009-02-27T19:12:00.000-08:00

I would like to share something I wrote a loooooong time ago (which would be 6/13/2006):

If you like doing sports... you're my kind of girl.
If you like watching sports... you're my kind of girl.
If you don't like smoking... you're my kind of girl.
If you like looking at the clouds.. you're my kind of girl.
If you like looking at the stars... you're my kind of girl.
If you like Anime... you're my kind of girl.
If you like to be sexy... you're my kind of girl.
If you like to be feminine... you'r my kind of girl.
If you see things in people's eyes... you're my kind of girl.
If you belive in flying... you're my kind of girl.
If your social life does not depend on clubs... you're my kind of girl.
If you don't need to drink to have fun... you're my kind of girl.
If you like set the sun down... you're my kind of girl.

If you are looking for me... I'm your man, girl. I've been looking for you girl.

So, here is to follow up.

Caro, thanks for talking to me, your seeded in me hope.
You lit the way for me, you are my guide in the dark.
You always held out a hand, you are my best friend.
You dared to open my heart, I gave it to you all.
You are my girl...
I love you.

Today..

2008-06-25T23:15:00.002-07:00

Someone once called me a fucking optimist (pinche optimista).. hehehe can't say that it doesn't fit. Certain circumstances have forced me to ride a bicycle to work instead of a car.
Today it was my first day that I did so... and I got to say that I love the scent of morning and splashing fresh air on my face.
.. just like the old days.

I can has japeee!!1!11!
lolz

Las cosas claras..

2008-05-12T21:45:00.004-07:00

Yo no soy Ateo. Soy Ateísta.
Curiosamente Ateo se refiere a un solo Dios (lo escribo con mayúscula solo por ortografía, no por alguna otra razon), e igualmente de curioso Dios en la lengua española solo se refiere al dios de Abraham. No voy a ondear con referencias bíblicas ya que solo quiero resaltar la diferencia entre las dos palabras.
Ateísta, segun la rae, es lo mismo que Ateo. En esto difiero de forma contundente, ya que debería referirse a deidades y/o dioses.

Ejem.. clarifico, soy Ateo y Ateista. Porque el ser Ateista engloba lo Ateo, segun mi percepcion de la palabra.

Vaya sorpresa. Este es un tema con mucha profundidad, pero por ahora solo digo: no creo en un dios, ni en dioses, ni en deidades, ni seres supremos y sobre todo en Dios.

Es algo muy fuerte para los que hablamos español, porque nuestra lengua, historia y cultura tiene ligada sus emociones y percepciones con esta palabra (Dios). No se asusten, no pasa nada. Esto es algo que ya venia cocinándose desde hace mucho, solo que al no vivir en un lugar lleno de presiones sociales sobre cargadas con religión ya me siento mas seguro al decirlo.

No se vayan con la finta de que me voy a hacer "malo", porque el ser Ateista tambien significa que no creo en el diablo. ;)

-C

I am not a Atheist¹. I'm a Atheist².
Curiously, Athesit¹ refers to a single God (written in Capital letter because of spelling, not for any other reason), also curious is the fact that God in the spanish tongue only refers to the God of Abraham. I'm not going to dwell on biblical references because I only want to point out the difference between both words. So, I completely disagree with the first definition, because it should refer to deities and/or Gods.

Ejem.. I clarify, I am Atheist² and Atheist¹. Because Atheist² encompasses Atheist¹, according to my perception of the word.

What a surprise. This is a topic of huge depth, for now I only say: I don't believe in a god, nor gods, nor deities, nor supreme beings and most of all God.

This is a strong subject for those who speak Spanish, because in our tongue, history and culture this has emotional ties and perceptions with this word (God). Don't be afraid, nothing is going to happen. It's something that has been cooking for a long time, it's just that by not living in a place of social pressure overloaded with religion I feel more secure saying it.

Don't go with the flow that I'm going to go "bad", because being Atheist² also means that I don't believe in the devil. ;)

-C
¹-Atheist (Ateo): Disbelief in [the]God.
²-Atheist (Ateista): Disbelief in God(s) and/or Deities.

<3 equals true

2008-05-01T11:06:00.002-07:00

Every night is hard to say goodbye,
Every night we try to smile.

Every day we look for our eyes,
Every day we think of our smiles.

..but forever,
we love each other true.

Not afraid to say it..

2008-04-24T19:46:00.001-07:00

It's not a matter of whether God exists or not, but that God never existed in the first place!

0_0

Andromeda - In The Deepest Of Waters

2008-04-11T11:59:00.002-07:00

Sit down.. hold on.. and get ready for a music lesson in real progressive metal rock. Speed, Execution, Depth, Lyrics, Flow, Structure. This is one of many instances of true artistic music, not the shittiest stuff you hear in most radio stations.
Did you know that back in the day, orchestrated compositions were considered and thought of as progressive? (yeah, what we now call classical music)
Well, this is pretty much our modern day equivalent.. Get ready for a hearing orgasm:

Whenever I...

2008-04-09T14:59:00.002-07:00

I'm in one of those moods that can only be described with music...

..for my Milady Blue.

311

2008-03-27T01:34:00.003-07:00

I checked my profile and I had 311 views! lol.. if you go there now you probably won't see it.. but I DID.. muahahaha.. lol

Interestingly Curious

2008-03-25T23:42:00.002-07:00

I haven't felt like this in years,
just like a teenager, full of motivation,
yet with the experience accumulated
of the past few years..
I've never been more ready for anything..
I know what I want...
I know who I am...
I know who I want to be...

..it's like looking deep into the sky,
sliding with caress through the waves,
grab a hold real deep, hold your breath,
then... just kiss...

.. so, the only thing left is the how,
and the first step is to just nike-it.
*grin* break more paradigms.

Moving. (Prologue)

2008-03-14T16:01:00.001-07:00

Prologue.
So, maybe some you know most of my life story, bits and pieces. It all sums up to that I've been moving around a lot. I was born in San Luis Potosi, Mexico, and 15 days after my birth I then moved to Zacatecas, Mexico. I know, I didn't do the moving really, my parents already lived in Zacatecas, but my Mom wanted to have her first child at her home town and not go through it by herself. Anyways, after a year there my Dad got a scholarship to study for his Master's Degree in Chihuahua. So guest what? we moved. Then 2 years later, my Dad got his Degree and then moved San Luis Potosi. In the next 8 years that followed, I got a precious sister and my little bro. By the end of this period in San Luis my Father had already picked up English lessons, which led to a scholarship for a Ph.D. 0_0.. yeah, a Doctorate. He picked OSU (Oregon State University) which is located in Corvallis, OR, USA to study for his next Degree. Ok, move again, new country, new culture, new house, new school, new friends, new everything save the family. This was a time where I was just going into my teen years, so I spent a lot more time chilling and playing with my friends than with family (my siblings where kids at that time man) . Ever wonder where I picked up these English skills? Well, know you know. This foreign experience gave me lots (in general) and had a great impact on my life in regards to points of view, culture, mindset, language, education, ethics, goals, values and living life itself. So after 4 years in Corvallis, it was time to go back to Mexico and we did. We moved to San Luis Potosi for a very brief period of time (1 month) because my Dad had plans. Oh yes! he had plans! He wanted to live in his home town now, Aguascalientes, Mexico -the land of the good people and a.k.a. the world's biggest cantina- so he applied for a transfer at work to move to Aguascalientes, which he got. Oh, Aguascalientes, if you come to this beautiful town you can't love it without hating it and vice-versa. I spent the next ten and a half years in Aguascalientes as I went through the last 3 years of high school and then 5 of college and the rest working.
This all adds up to one thing. I've been around, perhaps not as much as or as extreme as some other people but enough for one thing. I've been exposed to many things that are the same in essence but physically different. Like synonym words. The might mean the same thing, yet, very subtlety, they're not the same. Like trying out cars. They feel different driving, but they all help you get from one point to another. You learn the same thing but you experience it differently. This is the best way to get rid of a narrow mind. In our human nature, to make contrasts, to compare, to question, to validate.. to learn.
During the past years I've adopted several mantras that I've picked up from my friends and my own experience. One of them is that: as the person that each one of us is, we really don't change, we evolve. If this is so, then it must mean that our core remains the same. Since it's the foundation of who we are. Another mantra, we can't dwell on the past, but we must acknowledge it to build our future. Through our experience, we almost never do the same thing the same way. We don't make the same mistake twice (most of the time), thus we become more efficient. So, we do the same thing but in a different manner. Mmm, sound familiar? (hint: begining of the paragraph).
I'm not trying to be redundant, you might be thinking: "Carlos, where the hell are you going with this?". Well, this is so you get a better picture of a little piece of me. I am no guru, nor a philosopher and this text does not define me. But, as I grew, I've been acquainted to the experience of a new experience, the cultural shock, the social delusions of different regions of the world, the human spirt that lives beyond skin and language. I really love to learn, to evolve and to meet new cultures. To each its own, and each of its own is a world. I would not qualify my self as a world citizen yet, but it wouldn't be too far fetched to say that of me in the future. To me, the world is getting smaller and smaller everyday.
I'm not going to bash out and rant about my last years in Aguascalientes, which I should appreciate a lot since they were an enabler to do what I do now and made who I am. I will say that it made me restless, hesitant and sometimes resentful of they way people acted. Hey, who am I to judge? I will not pay any penitence for anyone other my own family. But back to the matter at hand, I wanted out. I wanted to experience new things again. I was always told that I was a good person, a nice guy, that I had lots of potencial (My core). It took me a while to come to terms with myself about who I was and who I wanted to be (My essence). It took me a while to realize what I could do and what I wanted to do (My instance). Some very small part of me already knew that I was going to spread my wings someday....
... and so I did. =)

Next:
Hope.
Yeah,why not?

Living the contradiction of knowing what I feel and what I don't want.

2008-03-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

Edit: Originally Created Feb/8/2007 @11:22 PM
A story, a sad one, with light, break ups and lots of potencial...
Of the light within and the shine of the outer bounds.
Once complete, and ready to be lit. Waiting patiently, against a innate force and the hope to be at once fulfilled.
It did not happen so. The magic broke, the illusion unveiled. She said no.
There was that shadow materialized, the foul being, in the place that I was supposed to be, not granted to me. misplaced as I had always been.
I was never taken for my true worth, thus everything broke....

Time passes, wounds heal...

Here we go again..

2008-03-03T22:59:00.000-08:00

Next stop: Atlanta, GA!

Again... =)

YEAAAAAAAHH!!!!!

Doing Things

2007-12-26T16:57:00.000-08:00

They can say I can do so much,
but the important thing is that I can do SOMETHING.

Thanking the Ungrateful

2007-10-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

I don't talk of vengeance or forgiveness, forgetfulness is the only vengeance and the only pardon.

Jorge Luis Borges

Yo no hablo de venganzas ni perdones, el olvido es la única venganza y el único perdón.

Jorge Luis Borges

Sunsmile

2007-08-01T14:42:00.000-07:00

Makes you glow, makes you smile;
That which irradiates a pleasant constant grin; HiPpIEcHicK.

.>equate(all.Sunsmile.glow);
.>calc...
.>system.generalExceptionFault.throw()
.>Result too bright to display.

Made up of the most heartfelt stuff you've ever come across.
It comes to you.

Stuff

2007-03-07T20:58:00.000-08:00

Tears, softens then hardens.
Eyes, the window to the soul.
Dreams, the window to enlightenment.
Smile, the inner shine.

The principles.

2007-03-07T20:54:00.000-08:00

Honor.
Honesty.
Sincerity.
Patience.
Sacrifice.
Attitude.
Desire.
Love.

and Heart.

Fan #1

2007-03-05T21:48:00.000-08:00

Lo admito, soy fan...

Go to: www.rockandroll.com.mx

think it well, dwell on it (what comes arround goes arround)

2007-02-28T23:10:00.000-08:00

You are to Me...

(Picture it, Picture me...)

...what he is to You.

(Look at your self, look back..)

I'm such a nice guy I'll break it down:
see yourself how you see him,
and you'll see how I see you.

I'm not ok,
but I'll get over it,
I'll be fine,
because I made a choice,
the one I didn't want to take.
So if you ever make the other choice I wished you'd take,
it'll be too late...
don't even bother,
it would take a miracle for you to have me back.

Redefining Oneself... (How to) Revisited

2007-01-22T21:39:00.000-08:00

0.5 Find oneself
1. Fight oneself
2. Destroy oneself
3. Reconcile with oneself
4. Love oneself
5. Rebuild oneself
6. Incubate oneself
7. Work oneself
8. Free oneself
9. and on...

word.

Of the deep.

2007-01-22T21:23:00.000-08:00

The Deep is a scary thing because anyone can get lost in it.
However, the venturous few that navigate at will often find treasure.
Only those who take the risk of the immensity of solitude and awe,
those who remember the way back, have the light to navigate the black.
Winds and currents of despair are abound, best not to frail or wain.
I will honestly confess, I'm not afraid. On this I briefly dwell,
for all is left is to find back my way.
Phantom halls of pleasure and comfort, they demand a large toll to take.
Yet, all this pressure seems to wake sentiment and split reason.
I feed on my self, and I say what needs to be said.
This drive, this movement, this light, this sentiment...
One has to die to live again.

Out of me.

2007-01-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

Out of sync, out of the loop, out of the box, out the blue, out of nowhere.
Out of me.. it's been a long time, since I felt something hard and deep, emotions, I can't remember but somehow resonate in what I see. Blinding step only to wait to fall forward, but better to have tried than to have been waiting at the edge.
There is a part of me that will always miss the touch, but I don't mind. Like when a breeze comes your way and wipes you on the face, then you turn and look. Hey, what's that, that I see? the horizon. It's been interesting to learn to do things my way, and while it flakes and shudders so, it grows strong and chains bind me no more. To forsake, the last pardon and the only revenge. Heh.. Of those things burned into my core. Lines of code that make the new concurrent threads that make me engage so. Ebb and flow, thank you words. Out I go.

c4rn470r

Sobre las pupilas

2006-12-17T21:46:00.000-08:00

...dice la leyenda:
"Cuando se te dilatan las pupilas es que estas clavado en alguien..."

a que pupilas tan "dilatadoras"

Oh My....

2006-12-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

I didn't do any updates on November.. And so much can happen in a month, a week, a day.. but damn more than two months.. lol.. Workload is a bitch, getting fat.. lol, got asked to work on a music project.. got some, missed some.. life goes on and for the third time on a row, I got third place at my work's tournament. Yeah, I'm still trying to get a rhythm going. Which is basically sorting things out and then move on. God help me.. I'm so unorganized lol

kudos

Carlito's Way...

2006-10-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

To be on top of the Game you have to be a Ninja,
always have the element of surprise...

To me...

2006-10-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

...
This was supposed to be the last time
I told myself this wouldn't happen again
I told myself I wasn't ever going to call you
I told myself I wasn't going to let you back in
but here I am dialing, trying
...

When I run

2006-09-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

When I run I fly
I run I live
I run from myself to myself
I run to break the monotony
I run to reach
I run to train
I run to think
I run and run

Redefining Oneself... (How to)

2006-09-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

~~Step 1. Respect oneself.~~

Step 1. LOVE oneself.
Step 2. Respect oneself.
Step 3. Finding oneself.

Step 1. Finding oneself.
Step 2. Confront oneself.
Step 3. LOVE oneself.
Step 4. Respect oneself.
Step 5. Be ONE with oneself.

No more stones, enter the Carnator

2006-09-15T23:46:00.000-07:00

Enter the Carnator,
the player,
the goal seeker,
the man,
the fool,
the one,
the monster.

The Killer.

Me,
Carnator

Darkest Dream..

2006-09-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

iba en un auto
en el lugar detrás del conductor
el conductor era mi entrenador de básquet de la uni
y los otros lugares estaban ocupados por otros dos señores
e íbamos de noche
por una carretera de dos carriles
luego como que estábamos perdidos pero yo si sabia hacia donde ir
y ya íbamos rumbo hacia la autopista pero antes dimos una vuelta a la derecha a una carretera pavimentada pero de un solo carril
y no había nada de luz
y dije: "creo que por aquí no es"
y me respondieron: "no pues, creo que tienes razón"
pero en eso, se acabo la carretera y caímos en un pozo súper profundo
totalmente oscuro
en el momento de que nos percatamos que se acabo la carretera, pensé, que sea un vado o una trinchera...
pero al siguiente microsegundo estábamos en caída libre
y cabía todo el coche y no topábamos con nada, ni paredes..
y los demás gritaban
como que leí el pensamiento de mi entrenador que pensaba, como es posible que exista algo así, sin señalamientos, ni advertencias, ni guarniciones
y yo estaba tranquilo.. pero triste porque de repente todos supimos que era el fin
mas yo
y como que todos quisimos tomarnos de la mano, pero no se pudo
y yo comencé a rezar el Padre Nuestro
y seguíamos cayendo...

esperando el golpe...

pero en eso, seguí rezando y comencé a despertar...

y finalmente desperté.

God, I never had such a horrible dream like that...
And its said that: "Dreams are the window to enlightment..."
Ha! go figure...

My day starts at 1:00 AM

2006-09-05T23:05:00.000-07:00

My days start at 1,
and today, one more year passes by.
I confess I sometimes look back,
but there's nothing that is worth lagging.
I reminisce of the then and smile, I glow...
from this last year, not only do I glow,
but I have an afterglow from that...

Today, I go to sleep calmly...
I got the sound of the sea to soothe me,
I got the wind of the sea to whisper to me...
Now I got the smell of sea to calm me...

Gracias por todo...
Te quiero tanto.

Hombre de ojos verdes.

A Personality Test

2006-08-27T21:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Carlos Garcia:

Here are your Brainbench Personality Assessment Results.
Please review these results carefully and refer to the
interpretation notes at the bottom.

PERSONALITY EVALUATION:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Trait       |<--|---|---|---- Range ----|---|---|--->|     Trait
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Introverted        |..................X.....................|  Extraverted
Candid             |......................................X.|  Considerate
Impulsive          |......X.................................|  Cautious
Excitable          |..............X.........................|  Relaxed
Practical          |..................X.....................|  Imaginative
Concrete           |......................X.................|  Abstract
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                 |<--|---|---|---- Range ----|---|---|--->|        
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your Social Boldness: Introverted VS Extraverted
------------------------------------------------------------
You are slightly introverted. Do you ever say to people,
"I'm really an introvert" and then they look at you funny?
That's because you can be both Extraverted and introverted,
but in social situations people see you as an Extravert.
Your enthusiastic and self-confident personality, plus your
ease at talking to strangers gives the appearance that you
are outgoing, even though you may attribute it to just
being a friendly person. You find yourself at the center of
attention, even though you may not actively seek that
position. You are such a warm person that people like to
follow you. Which is good, since you have no problem
accepting your role as a leader when it is given to you.
With your ability to flow easily from shy to outgoing, you
may tend to easily flow from exciting adventures to
relaxing times at home. This makes you a fun person to be
around, because you do not always have to be on the go, yet
you know there is more to life than reading and watching TV.

Your Agreeableness: Candid VS Considerate
------------------------------------------------------------
You are very considerate. You are a popular person, aren't
you? Of course you are. You truly value harmony in dealing
with others.  People recognize your friendly, generous, and
helpful personality. Your easy-going, agreeable nature
makes you such a joy to be around. This is especially true
in meetings or general conversations. The topic may become
heated, but you are considerate of other's feelings and you
will find a happy medium in order to placate those around
you. This is because you have an optimistic view of human
nature and you realize that if you trust people with their
decisions that they are not trying to hurt you or take
advantage of you. This special and rare quality is also
seen in your altruism. You enjoy helping others. To you it
is not a sacrifice; to you it is fulfilling to help others
in need.

Your Self-Control: Impulsive VS Cautious
------------------------------------------------------------
You are quite impulsive. You are an independent thinker.
You do not need a book of rules to tell you how to behave -
you know inside what is right and what is wrong and you act
accordingly. You are able to live life spontaneously,
because you are able to make decisions without endless
deliberation. In fact, when you and another person are
making a decision, you are able to reach a solution fairly
quickly while the other person has to cautiously plan every
step. Eventually, they will agree with you, which is
frustrating when your first impulse is usually the correct
one in the decision-making process. You tend to be a little
more casual, and you do not feel out of sorts when your
home or office is not perfectly neat. In general, your life
is pleasurable - you know how to have fun and will never be
accused of being staid or stuffy.

Your Anxiety Level: Excitable VS Relaxed
------------------------------------------------------------
You are moderately excitable. In trying situations, you
feel somewhat stressed and frustrated. At times you are
able to overcome these feelings, but other times you feel
overwhelmed. This could run the gamut of just being in a
bad mood to experiencing anxiety, anger, or depression. In
general, you prefer a stress-free existence, so that the
possibility of negative emotions would not be a factor. You
tend to be somewhat self-conscious in social situations,
and are worried that people may judge or criticize you. You
may react emotionally to people or circumstances that you
find threatening, because you want to protect yourself.
Every so often you cave into urges or cravings. Sometimes
you feel a little guilty about it, other times you are just
fine with your fun streak.

Your Openness to Change: Practical VS Imaginative
------------------------------------------------------------
You are slightly practical. It is apparent to those who
meet you that you are well educated. You are able to speak
on a complex level to one audience, but adjust to a more
basic level for another. You are bright and capable of
thinking logically. On one hand you are down-to-earth and
traditional, while on the other hand you are creative and
imaginative. Sometimes you feel more comfortable with
familiarity and routine in your life, other times new and
novel experiences are more enjoyable. You are not afraid to
try new things. You tend to like to do a variety of
different activities, so you do not grow bored.

The way you Think/Reason: Concrete VS Abstract
------------------------------------------------------------
You are slightly abstract in your thinking. Your thinking
is neither simple nor complex, to others you appear to be a
well-educated person but not an intellectual. You tend to
be intellectually curious and have the uncanny abilities to
distinguish imaginative, creative people from
down-to-earth, conventional people.




INTERPRETATION NOTES

(1) The report sent to your computer screen upon the
completion of this assessment is only a temporary web page.
When you exit your web browser you will not be able to
return to this URL to re-access your report.  A copy of the
report is emailed directly to you when you complete the
assessment.

(2) Personality traits describe, relative to other people,
the frequency or intensity of a person's feelings,
thoughts, or behaviors.  Possession of a trait is therefore
a matter of degree.  We might describe two individuals as
extraverts, but still see one as more extraverted than the
other.  This report uses expressions such as "extravert" or
"high in extraversion" to describe someone who is likely to
be seen by others as relatively extraverted.

(3) Please keep in mind that scores on a personality
assessment are neither good nor bad.  As with any
personality inventory, scores and descriptions can only
approximate an individual's actual personality.  Questions
about the accuracy of your results are best resolved by
reviewing and discussing your report with people who know
you well.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I found this to be 80-90% accurate.. It's very interesting.
Visit http://www.brainbench.com/ and look for the free certifications. Good Stuff!!!

Before I tuck in...

2006-08-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

I kept my promise,
but still doesn't make me any less sadder...

I want you here,
I want you near,
I just wanted to see you.

Hoy triste, mañana no se.(Freestyle, con todo y errores ortográficos)

2006-08-17T23:12:00.000-07:00

Hoy me voy a acostar muy triste, porque estoy desesperado. He de confesar que todas las noches me voy a dormir imaginandome que soy un piloto de jet de combate. Hoy no tengo jet, y no tengo ganas de volar. No lloro, porque mi operacion de ojos me los seco. Ni me cayo, porque hoy no puedo.
Quisiera algo tan sencillo, y no lo puedo. Quisiera estar contigo y estas lejos. Nunca tengo los suficientes abrazos de ti y por eso no dejo de pedir mas. Aun con todos mis problemas, y todos mis retos, y cualquier corriente en contra, te quiero y quiero estar contigo. Y no lo puedo contener.
Ya que andamos en las confesiones, todos los dias peleo, y todos los dias reclamo, y todos los dias le pido a Dios que todo se solucione. La verdad es que voy a seguir luchando, pero a veces parece que peleo por algo efimero, porque en mi casa peleo por la mujer de mi vida pero no tengo novia afuera. Eso es lo que duele y pesa. No estoy deprimido, pero esto es tristeza, no lo sabia, pero vaya que hay una gran diferencia.
Yo se que es fuerte, yo se es profundo, yo se que es directo, y muy probablemente fuera de lugar. Pero no me pude aguantar.
Termino diciendo que a veces todo esto me hace muy cansado, pero de ti, jamas!

I just had to get this out

Disappointment? Coincidence Not

2006-07-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

Let me hear words and letters that will make feel alright

Because I feel unprotected and I feel faint.

My eyes were placed where not mine should have been laid.

Like the tension in guitar strings strung so hard

The notes rip the air and such resonance strikes bold.

Break my thumbs, Burn both my index fingers, Cut the middle ones,

Sting my ring ones, dislocate the little ones.

Put my right hand on the fire and the left one on top of

Cube of icy feelings and slippery thoughts.

Because I can't believe, when everything seems set on sail

The wind doesn't sound, all is dull.

Once is a surprise, but twice not a coincidence, its will intended,

How it bothers me so, I rather break a bone but still words fall short....

But words can soothe and make me come at peace,

I wish I could hear the words that conform.

I know they are there...

All I want to hear is something that makes me feel safe.

All will be good.

Tracking how wings grow...

2006-07-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

Meet me here....

PS: 5 weeks behind.. Lost 4 cm...

To irony

2006-07-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

Here's a dedication to irony:

Gavin DeGraw - "More Than Anyone"

You need a friend
I'll be around
Don't let this end
Before I see you again
What can I say to convince you
To change your mind of me?

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Look in my eyes, what do you see?
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me all you need and I will try
I will try

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna to love you more than anyone

Free for you, whenever you need
We'll be free together, baby
Free together, baby

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

I'm going to love you more than anyone

Why did it have to be so ironic?

Basketball Finals.

2006-07-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

Basketball finals at the Sunday tournament. Our First game!
Click here for the full scoop!
Stats, Review and scratches too!

Turning.

2006-06-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

The wind has changed,
the gear has shifted,
the door is unlocked,
the window is open,
the tide has turned,
I'm not afraid...

This time, I was not, and am not afraid..............

Nameless wonder.

2006-06-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

I just think about a phrase that echoes in me right now: "I'm going to rip up a new one"... Sound familiar? Duke Nuke'm 3D.. Yeah, going to get a new everything, because I have always have had the need to find purpose, balance and motivation. Do I think about everything? perhaps.. Do I risk everything when I feel like it? I've tried... What's my most highly regarded value? Honor... What do I despise? Uncertanty... What do I desire? Companionship... What do I need? peace... How do I feel? Weary...

It's not up to me,
I've laid the foundation...
"Table is set,
the pieces are moving..."
I've made my move.

Nike

2006-06-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

... knows how to break paradigms:
Just do it!

#125

2006-05-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

"Serias tu..."

All that needs to be said....
=)

Event Data Dump: 1145232300000@127.0.0.1

2006-04-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

#Unknow>Ping Carnator.Cell.Number()
c4rn470r\.Raise Inbound Comm Packet Alert;
c4rn470r\.Execute Trace Comm Packet;
Warning: Unknow@1C1172FE3 has requested Ping Notification.
c4rn470r\.Execute whoIS 1C1172FE3 >> Pong -trace;
c4rn470r\.Notice Timeout set to "Minimum" @1145232420000;
..
..
c4rn470r\.Raise Inbound Comm Packet Alert;
c4rn470r\.Execute Scan Comm Packet.content();
Notice Results: No Id Header. Messege Content - Relevant. Re-quest Carnator;
Warning: Unrequested Carnator.MainThread.Escalation Detected.
c4rn470r\.Execute Pong "Pings Recieved" >> Conclude.Handshake -mode:Courteous;
..
..
c4rn470r\.Raise Inbound Comm Packet Alert;
c4rn470r\.Notice Anonymous Handshake finished;
c4rn470r\.Notice Timeout set to "Immediate" @1145232840000;
Carnator.MainThread.Sleep.Resume;

Shoutout..

2006-04-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

You've got the future on your side
You're gonna be fine now
I know whatever you decide
You're gonna shine

Tear down these walls for me
Stop me from going under
You are the only one who knows
I'm holding back

I walk beside you
Wherever you are
Whatever it takes
No matter how far

Through all that may come
And all that may go
I walk beside you
I walk beside you

Pineapple.. go figure...

2006-04-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

I got tucked in,
I closed my eyes and you talked to me..
I could see you and right before I went to sleep
I sliped off right after your sweet pineapple kiss..

and I confess, I've never had such a sweet dream sleep...

It's almost perfect

2006-03-21T15:47:00.000-08:00

Today is almost perfect,
it's cloudy but it's not raining,
I'm in shape, but sick,
My game is on, but it's held back...

Everything is perfect,
My job rules, but I still desire more,
My skill kicks ass but it's unexploited,
My eyesight is 15/20, but I can't see..
My wings are unharnessed, but won't take off...

There is something missing..
Just my one final piece.

Of love, madness and hope

2006-03-10T06:26:00.000-08:00

"I never thought love could be like this...
I never expected this type of love...
I've never been happier...
I love you.."

Sorry.. I just don't belive this bull shit right now, but I got to keep practicing for when it happens...

Today

2006-02-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

God damn it.. a lot happened today, it was supposed to be a good day, I mean, it rained.. but noooo, I had to stay in the freaking office until like 10 o'clock trying to get a damn pie chart working.. so frustrating when there is no documentation... grrr..
At least I became a Master Ninja in NG today.. only after 3 months, and my score put me in the top 40 in Xbox Live world wide.. cool..

zip!

One of my days..

2006-01-25T06:59:00.000-08:00

When I woke up today, I something felt right. I looked out the window and it was very cloudy. Later on, I was outside and then I knew it was one of my days... it was raining! It's been so long since it rained, and as I sit at the office looking out the window I feel like this is on of my days. Now I procede to go out for coffee.. perfect weather.. I love it..

Pain?

2006-01-25T06:57:00.000-08:00

“The only reward from pain is experience.”

- Aeschylus

For you friend...

2006-01-19T10:58:00.000-08:00

Los hombres son como los vitrales, brillan y resplandecen cuando los ilumina el sol; Sin embargo, cuando cae la oscuridad, su verdadera belleza se revela solamente si hay luz interior.

E. KR

Don't lose your shine friend...

Hola Luna

2006-01-17T22:42:00.000-08:00

Hola luna, hoy me hablas, te asomas por la ventana encima de mi puerta y me buscas un mio suspiro...
Te digo: "Hoy no tengo, y los que tenia ayer ya se han ido..."
Vete por ahora, que no te requiero, no tengo inspiracion, ahorita no tengo consuelo.
Acaso no ves la yaga que aun brota con fervor de colera?
Ahora me duele mucho, y el frio no me sana, pero entumece...
Mis pies lloran desnudos y le solicitan a las manos un descanso,
Aun no encuentro el placer de estar afuera y lejos,
pero si se que el dolor no es etereo y que bien vale cualquier esfuerzo.
Suelta ya, que no me dejas respirar, deja ya de soñar,
mis alas no son para atar ni tu luz para deslumbrar.
Voltea a otro lado, haz mi camino mas sencillo,
que verte me quita un suspiro.

A time to reminisce.

2006-01-15T22:12:00.000-08:00

Free style...
Shit, for some goddamn reason I feel like shit, and it's funny how these last weeks I've been running at night and I know it's kinda cold... I don't feel the cold at all. I've gone to the court after sunset, I take of my sweatshirt, I know it's freezing, but I don't feel it. Right now my house is cold as hell, and I feel fine... I'm not sick, I just feel angry right now.. I have no clue! yeah, I do feel sad, and I'm fucking writing about it! How I wish.. how I wish there was something to kick right now. I must confess, I'm human.. I do regret... I fail constantly... I quit things I should finish.. I should not need to have pressure to get something done... I must confess, last year a door was opened I did not know it existed, now I hate, now I resent, now I blame... AAAAAHHH!!! WTF is this? I remember my dreams now, *sarcastically* heh... "dreams are the window to enlighment"... here's some enlightment, lonelyness burns like hell! and I'm such a skeptic because, it really is love that heals, not time, and I need a healer... anyone?
I need to GTFO of this place! I must aquire ghost killing skills, I wish I could just rip my heart out... you see, there's this thing cleaved in it, let me introduce you to it:
-this is "Why?".
-"Why?", this is: (your name here).
You've been acquanted... Now, this little booger has been around quite some time and right now it's kicking ass... my ass in particular. At times, it's very friendly and useful too, right now it's just bitchy... what an interesting word, I can collocate it with so many things, and the connotations with it too... for some reason it evokes people's names in particular, whooo, what a list.. too long for this post, but let's not go there. Ahh, this rant has been really soothing... I feel like... well, let's just say I feel better.. it's like that time in highschool, "..I just don't give a fuck!"

letter

2006-01-15T21:18:00.000-08:00

Hey you...
I've seen you outside and felt the cold air hit you in the face,
as you ran, no distance changed between where you were and where you need to be.
Back to the old ways for an old illness and do please weedout that nasty root,
do please reach and don't stop this time, as the road is before you but you don't want to take.
Won't you fly like a free bird?
Where is your head I placed so long ago?
Because the tear you shed is only your caged reflection.
Has the gravity of your memories worn you out?
Hey, wake up!

Clo5e to Today..

2006-01-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

On day like today..
maybe colder, but nice...
good coffee, good conver5ation..
good memorie5..
5o many laugh5..
I mi55 that..
the 5tart of it all, and a year ha5 pa5t, there'5 nothing I can regret, but many thing5 to thank...
and i5 not looking too much back, but it'5 definetly made me 5ome of what I am...
how I wi5h... the day would everla5t...

Yet another piece of mind...

2006-01-03T22:46:00.000-08:00

It's love that heals.. not time.

New Year's

2006-01-02T22:31:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder how is it possible that so many people perform rituals in hope of getting better luck in wealth, health, love? Cuz to me, I find really hard to belive that the color of undergarment one might wear on New Year's will have an influence on the next year of my life... as if the color red in my undies will dictaminate how well I will do in love life... or whether my ability to go on a vacation trip depended on the ritual of getting out of my house with suitcases and running around the block once on New Year's eve... I mean, really!? I think it would be cool if it were like that, you know? we all would have perfect relationships, and poverty wouldn't exist.. cool, huh? Unfortunately, for an skeptic like me, the real world works under a different order. Red underwear doesn't make you have better relationships, it just makes you feel more sexy, and depending on the type, makes a fine lady über-sexy... Running arround your block with suitcases doesn't make you look too stupid, just like your late for something... go figure.
Anyways, I just want to wish everyone I know and like and love a good New Year and hope for the best this 2006... and a recommendation (another rant): Don't make any New Year's resolutions or purposes, they are like diets. They work at the begining, but as soon as the diet is over you go back to your usual habits and to where you started when you began the diet. So don't diet, do excersice, change your habits, re-invent yourself. So translated, don't make resolutions, make New Year's convictions... It's kinda like the difference between a promise and an oath.. one is much stronger and your more deeply bound to it.
Best Wishes!

Blog B-day

2005-12-29T17:44:00.000-08:00

Interesting... a year ago I started this and well.. it's been quite a trip, lot's of things have happened and what is interesting to me is how I see things differently now. A year full of memories, scars, open wounds, tears, smiles, colors, surprises, operations, new eyes, dissapoinments, raises, props, trips, hopes, light, dark, shade, sparks, greatness, coolness... Let's see if the next year lives up to the challenge of raising the bar.. cyall..

Carnator

My eye color should be..

2005-12-14T07:05:00.000-08:00

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom

What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Just FYI, my eyes are mainly green but Lightish Brown..

Thank you

2005-12-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

I hadn't had the chance to say it, but to everyone that called me, sms me, thought of me during my eye surgery....

Thank you.

This has been a true turning point of my life, and I really appreciate all of you that had my back. Really, thanks. I love y'all.. and I got your back too!

Of the things that come to mind #10

2005-12-01T21:32:00.000-08:00

I forgot how good it feels to fully spread all wings...

Open, breathe, fly...

Of the things that come to mind #9

2005-11-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

I long for the sweetest of sensations and deepest of sentiments.

Let me see your shine...

Of the things that come to mind #8

2005-11-29T18:56:00.000-08:00

Take a good look because the I that was you will never see no more.
I am the I will.

Of the things that come to mind #7

2005-11-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

What I see is only the begining.
What I dream is what I shine.

Of the things that come to mind #6

2005-11-27T09:23:00.000-08:00

You can't expect things to change if you can't expect to change yourself.

The voyage

2005-11-21T14:50:00.000-08:00

So a new journey begins, just like the turning of a page to mark the end of a long chapter, and even though the next is different, it's still tied to the previous one...
...But you keep on moving, each footstep taken get's you closer to the end. Not everyone can see it, not anyone can reach it, yet we all have it.

We are what we've been, and always seek the same thing. Whether it's on a plain under the blue sky or on top a hill, our path is rightgeous but we bleed from within...
...No rest is ever given, and no comfort true, sweet words always come with poison and not all kisses are pure.

I can read back as much as I want, but there's no reason to stay stuck on the past. I could allways think of the future and miss and wish for all of today's sensations...
...I would live only in the present, spend a lifetime with no true direction, forsake the pain through history and lessons, obliterate all chances of hope and expectations.

My life's voyage, my heart's intentions, my physical strength, my soul's place, that through Humanness, enables me to reinvent myself with desire. Desire to shine...
...through my past, and shine...
...into the future, and shine...
...with what I learn everyday.

As each of us has the ability to reinvent oneself, we never cease to learn. Should I ever come to say that I'm only one way, then I've stopped the voyage and stopped being myself...
...because I am not voluble, but I evolve. I don't forget, I reminisce. I don't wonder, I think ahead. I don'r resent, I thank. I don't stand, I walk. I don't freefall, I fly. I don't hear, I listen. I don't sit, I try. I don't diminsh, I shine.

I love this voyage, I love my life.

A kick to the past in the ass...

2005-11-20T22:03:00.000-08:00

It's funny at the moment
how I fell so sweet and sound
when the facts are so much different
problem? what problem?
ghost? what ghost?
I've been struggling and fighting something
that is not there and never will be...
The past is what made me what I am today...
It's like a foundation, thank god I have so much light because of that
what still hurts though is all the things that were real,
all that was shared,
the second in time when everything stood still,
the touch of the finger on the back of your neck
in the right place at the moment it had to be...
the words of counsel and disbelivef
the depth of the eyes while holding a sweaty palm,
the request of a lifetime.... which the answer to is yes
the hidden smile,
the soothing of the heart
the caress on the cheek
the curious inquiry..
the pull between us...

my walk is dull
and I my sight is down
as I live and live on
but everything seems gray..

I miss the rain, and the fresh air..

halls of hollow...
blue nets of sorrow..

to find a courtyard of sky and pearl
a tower to watch wide and far,
and a balcony, to step out of and fly...

..to my special someone.

Of the things that come to mind #5

2005-11-15T22:28:00.000-08:00

I shall take another layer of myself off,
and as I open up an old dusty curtain of my stuck window that will not open,
you'll be able to look at all of the walls I've put within myself,
a wall of piled blue bricks,
with nothing between them but the pressure of themselves, one upon another...
I've built it my self without realizing it,
I've put it up, and I don't know how to take it down...

And it's not the only one,
there's a few more of false pretexts that wear me down,
today, shadows move past me, but I do not who makes them,
I see a ledge, but it cannot be reached,
I exhale a greeting, but it's just a hollow on the crest.
I transpire what I need, and what I keep is more like a weed...

I have a grasp on a thick rope, but no matter how much I pull,
It always feels loose..
I've been painted on a portrait in which I don't belong in, and it's not a place I want to be...
I write a bunch of nonsense, but in minutes means nothing to me,
putting myself under a shade is no good to me, because I want to be in the rain,
and I try to give life to these letters but then again...
I'm always trying to fool myself..

On a piece of the path...

2005-11-06T22:09:00.000-08:00

I know it's just a piece of the path I must face.
I walk under a shadow of revelations and hidden intentions.
It's something I must get through.
It's just cold and desolate.
With shards of wind that cut my skin and
the ache within that burns real deep...

I will get through...

...this piece of the path.

I'm just angry and hurt..
that's all...
f-ing angry and hurt....